More now than ever, (and I'm sure I've mentioned my anxiety in previous posts) my anxiety is becoming worse and worse. What is worse than anything is that it completely effects the people around me. No one wants to be around someone who is always on edge. This is something that I deal with on a daily basis and every time I have a panic attack, I think... "Phew, ok...that's the last one." No, it never is.
This is really hard for me to talk about, because it is something I deal with only with close friends and family. Scarier than anything is that I worry about things real and fake. I create situations in my head, almost delusional. Like, for example, I'm at a party, have a few beers and then make out with a guy in the dark in my room. Even though I know that all we did was make out, I'll panic thinking that we had sex. Crazy right? I'll worry and worry until that "time of the month" comes around. Do you know how hard it is to have your adrenaline pumping for 28 days straight...more than that, do you know how hard it is to pester your friends and family about the same unrealistic issue for 28 days? I can't get any tasks/chores done, I can't meet deadlines, and I'm short and mean with the people that I love. I feel like I'm living in hell.
I worry about having terminal illnesses (but am too scared to go to the doctor to get the validation that I'm fine), I worry when when we go on road trips that we'll die or get mugged, I'm no fun to be around. The list of worries goes on and on.
I know I should probably going and see a psychotherapist, but I'm so afraid that they'll want to put me on medication, or that my problem will be so severe, that they'll want to hospitalize me. I don't want to be a diagnosis. I want to be normal Stephanie Kurtz, the Stephanie that I was in high school; carefree, funny, etc. Do you know how hard it is to start a relationship and then the guy finds out you're nuts? Needless to say, this could be a big reason why I'm still alone.
If any of you have any advice on how to control my anxiety without taking a medical direction, please let me know. Also, if any of you feel how I feel, please let me know. I feel so alone and trapped inside myself; it's the most alienating feeling ever.
i've been meaning to comment on this and keep not being able to put enough time and effort in to it for it to make sense.
ReplyDeleteshort version- i'd try to avoid the meds because friends have said that its so hard to step away from them and its a slippery slop to being very dependent. i don't know personally.
if you go to a counselor *please* go to a christian one.
even if meds are suggested you make that call, not them.
i don't want to be redundant but i know for myself if i hadn't reached the point in my relationship with God that i let Him take care of my anxiety i would be a mess all the time. its not easy and it's not a one time fix- it takes daily devos and growing continually- but its a freedom i never expected.
love you- praying still.
Thanks for commenting :)
ReplyDeleteYes, I'm definitely 110% against meds. I believe that they mess with people and they become shells of their former selves. Also, I don't want a pill to regulate my emotions, I would feel like a robot.
Surrounding myself with friends and family helps a lot. My sister is giant part of my life and having her around to talk with is better than anything anyone could prescribe me :) Thank you for keeping me in your thoughts, that really warms my heart <3