Tough Love

This entry is not completely about VH1's Tough Love; just a little bit.
This is going to sound completely lame, but I did kind of audition for Season 2 of Tough Love. Believe me, I mock myself about this and oddly enough I was in their top 1,000 out of 20,000 that signed up. However (and this is the part were you really make fun of me), I really wish I would've gotten on the show. Not because I'm seeking some sort of reality TV show fame, I really am a loss cause as far as relationships and love are concerned.

This spring, early summer, I dated a guy. We were really similar, and our first date was really really fun. In fact, I'm nervous 99.9% of my life, and I felt completely comfortable with him. We went to a really neat place, we kissed, he was really attractive, we played video games and he even went as far as telling me I was really special to him (in a boy kinda way). Since I have absolutely no skills whatsoever at dating or for that matter, being around members of the opposite sex that are not gay, I asked him if he wanted to go out (I believe my exact, awkward words were "So...Do you wanna be boyfriend-girlfriend?" fail.). From here on, the relationship, if there was ever going to be one, did a class A nose dive.

#1 calls & texts were one-sided and minimal. #2 when we did hang out, conversation was stale and standoffish. This in turn, made me feel awkward and I started writing myself off to him. I did the "last resort" dance; meaning, compliment him, be overly funny and try to be with him as frequent as possible to try and re-admit yourself as datable. This did not work, and I found out about 2 weeks later, that after our first date, he started seeing some girl while he was seeing me.

One event that stands out in my mind is the night that my friend invited me out with her to have a few here in town. I knew that he would be there, and we hadn't hung out in a few days, so I figured why not. Turns out, he told my friend he saw us better as friends, and he didn't end up showing up till the end of the night. When he did show up, he acted like nothing was wrong, and even ended up coming over to my place after that night to make-out. Talk about full circle slap in the face.

This whole hot-mess of what could have been makes me sick to think about. Sick because the girl that he was seeing while he was seeing me, he is still with. It has been about 6 months since I last saw him. Ouch. I never meant to appear desperate, or clingy, or weird...I really just got so happy when I felt like a normal girl; like there was actually hope for me, and that I just might not be alone for the rest of my life. I kind of wish the whole situation never happened at all, because I felt what it feels like to be 100% fulfilled and that life is not all just a letdown.

So that's why I say, I really wish I would've been picked for Season 2 of Tough Love, because right now, I'm a lost cause and on a path to never feel what it feels like to have a wedding or be in true love. It is the loneliest feel ever.