"Restructuring"

The dictionary defines restructuring as:

"A significant modification made to the debt, operations or structure of a company. This type of corporate action is usually made when there are significant problems in a company, which are causing some form of financial harm and putting the overall business in jeopardy. The hope is that through restructuring, a company can eliminate financial harm and improve the business."

Stefoni defines restructuring as:

"scrambling".

On June 3rd I lost my job at Woods. I'm going to Tarantino this for you real quick...

The day was a day unlike any other day. It was frustrating and monotonous. When I clocked in, I got my morning coffee and proceeded to doing my work. A new hire came in mid-day and was getting the general "show you around the office" tour. When the manager doing this didn't stop into my office to introduce the new hire to me, I knew something was kind of fishy. In addition to this being strange, earlier in the week I had asked one of the managers if we had any positions open that my mom could apply for. I explained that my family had fallen on hard times and we had been going to the food pantry because things had been so grim for us. With a tilted frown, she said, "No, not at the moment. All the positions have been filled for the office." I continued on with the day, kind of disappointed because I felt so bad for my mom.

So on June 3rd, I went home for lunch and told my mom I was so frustrated that if "all the positions in the office were filled" then why was there a new hire in the office? She told me to brush it off and to move on, that this type of thing always happened and I shouldn't expect anything different. My feelings were hurt, but she was right. So I traveled back to the office to finish out the day.

Mail call. A nice lady in the Accounting Department always delivered the mail in the afternoon and she brought me a small letter from the American Cancer Society. I tore it open and read:

"Dear Stephanie, Thank you so much for all that you do for Relay...as a team captain and on the [marketing] committee. I cannot thank you enough for all the time and effort you put into the event & the help you give anyone who needs it. You are the best! Thank you again - I appreciate you so much!"

Wow. How caring and considerate was this note, I thought. The letter gave me some pep and my frown started to transform into a smile. About this time, my boss came in. He was popping around town, helping our local chamber get things ready for the Horseradish Festival. We exchanged pleasantrys like we normally did and then he headed back towards the back end of the office to check his email. (His computer had been broke for about a good 3 weeks, so he was using a computer in the back). I needed his input on a video I was editing, so I traveled towards the back to grab him for help. When I found him, he was standing at the copier with our I.T. guy.

Now, you know when you come up on someone and you catch them in the middle of talking about you? Yeah, that's what happened.

They quickly silenced their conversation and my boss answered my question. I headed back to my part of the office, puzzled and nervous. Low and behold, not 10 minutes later, my boss came back to our office. He said, "Hey, come with me upstairs." I said, "Is everything ok?" and he said, "Just come" and motioned for me to follow.

This is never good.

We headed upstairs and I felt my insides twist into knots. The manager looked at me with the same tilted frown I had seen earlier that week. He explained to me that the company was "restructuring" their Marketing Department and that they were going to have to let me go. I thought it was a joke (because my boss would occasionally joke with me like this) and I even said, "Ok, really, what's up?". It wasn't a joke and I was dismissed to pack my desk and leave. I felt warm tears running down my face and feelings of worthlessness taking over my mind.

I felt thrown out, backstabbed, used, and like the past 4 1/2 years I had delivered them nothing less than 110%, didn't mean anything. My heart was completely broken.

I was so numb while I was putting the past 4 1/2 years of my life into a box. To make matters worse, people hid behind doors to avoid having to deal with my feelings. The "friends" persona was no more - the jig was up and only doors could hide this truth. My boss, whom I held close to my heart like a father figure could only watch me fall to pieces. He helped me out the door to load my working career into my car. Tears pouring out of my eyes like someone had turned on a kitchen sink, I gave him probably our last hug ever and told him that he was the most fantastic boss that I had ever had the pleasure to work for. I told him that I hoped that his next employee appreciated him as much as I did. He said the same to me.

Moderately hyperventilating, I drove away.

These past few weeks have been some of the hardest weeks of my life to get through. I'm still so confused, so hurt, so broken. Why didn't they offer me another position in the office? I'm cross trained in almost every department, so why didn't they offer me something? What did I do wrong? How could they do this to me when they know that my family is struggling so hard right now? I thought we were friends. I've never been let go from a job before and I've always been a shining example to employees; why did this happen to me?

So currently, you could say I'm "restructuring" my life and trying to figure out how to survive after the fall out of getting fired. This is one of the hardest, most grim times in my life to date.

A day in the life

This entry is colored-coded for your viewing discretion. Red = sad and tear-jerky; Green = light and relaxy-taxi.

It helps to write things out when you're feeling full to the brim with anxiety, so here goes:

Naturally, I'm a basketcase; ask anyone, really. However, lately it's been worse than ever, to the point where I can physically feel it. Sunday nights are unbearable for me. Thinking about the responsibilities that go along with a new week almost eat me alive; it hurts so bad, because I spend Sunday's with my family and I feel like I sell them short with the time that we spend together. So, I started to think, what really set all of this off? Why is worse now then ever?

My Grammie passed away last July and ever since then, I've been a mess. The whole situation was painful the whole way through; it's not something that I boxed up and started feeling now - losing someone is the worst thing on the planet, especially someone that you love with 110% of your heart. I carry her picture in my clutch everywhere I go. I have pictures of her on my cork board. I don't want to accept the fact that she's gone, because when I start to think about it being permanent, it burns my insides.

I know it hurt everyone, and I'm not saying I felt it more than anyone around me, but she was such a influential person in my life, it's hard living without her. I can't talk about it, cuz I won't be able to finish this post, but I keep remembering the last things that she said to me before she passed away, and I wish I would've got to know the person she really was and her life story, rather than just doing the usual grandparent-grandchild activities. In lots of ways, she was like me. God, this is so hard.

But getting back on track here, I think a big reason that I've been such a nut lately is death has never been as present to me as it had been then. Everyone always says, "Everyone dies" but when you're faced with something tangible like that, that you can feel, it becomes a reality. Grammie and I were really nervous people and scared of lots of things...death being one of them. I know this sucks to say, but I wonder if she was scared. I hate to think about it like that, but what if she was? I am. It really makes me think about God, the afterlife and all that. Death is final and am I living enough of a spiritual life? What if I'm not and I won't be able to see her when all is said and done? I'm spiraling here...lets go to something lighter.

With the beautiful weather that has decided to grace it's presence around these parts, have brought lots of fun activities! Nick and I went and got Chinese last Friday (yurm)

(if you ever wondered if fortune cookies were fake...now you know)

Earlier that week, we went and saw the remake of Clash of the Titans. We watched it in 3D (which I was not all that impressed with) and stayed up late. Wee!

Pig Mallion got sick, so we had to take him for his first vet visit ever. Nick and I felt bad for him, so we bought him a new home.

We had a nice Easter too. Spent it with Ashley, Mael, Nick, Mom and Dad. We had the ususal - ham, green beans, asparagus, etc. Then we all shuffled into the living room to watch the Amazing Race, cuz we're couch potatoes like this.

(Nick is prettay famous...he requested no paparazzi at Easter. Denied.)

Where has Stefoni been?

Hey kiddies -
So I guess it's safe to say that I'm not very good about updating this...I'm working on it. Since Valentines day, not too much has been going on; just the day to day nonsense that is my life. One cool guy thing that happened is that Nick, Cory, Kevin and I went to Chicago!Chicago was fantastic. We left on a Thursday night and arrived in Chicago at about 1 AM on Friday morning. That day, we walked all over Magnificent Mile (there is a two story XXI...have mercy!), got Starbucks like 2 million times and just soaked up the atmosphere that is Chicago.
We go so lucky that the weather was sunny almost the whole time that we were there. I mean, it was definitely frigid, but still lovely as ever. Since we weren't very 100% familiar with the train/bus system in Chicago...we got lost a lot and ended up walking....a lot. Speaking of the trains, some of the stops were beautiful. Towards the end of the trip, we really started to get the hang of navigating the train systems. I like Chicago. We did lots of touristy things...Went to Gino's East, tried to get into the Sears Tower, went to Chinatown and Greek Town. It was a blast. We're supposed to be going back this summer - and even more awesome, we'll be there during Taste of Chicago!

In other news, life has been pretty good lately. Even though I'm not in a relationship, life still hasn't sucked too hard. Being around my friends, crafting, designing and just finding the humor in everyday life keeps me going. Work has been really trying lately - especially with the new Health Care law passing (I'm for it...99.9% of my office is against it) - but I'm keeping a positive demeanor about it and keep reminding myself that the great thing about America is that we're all welcome to have our own opinion.

This is ending abruptly, but it's Friday...gots to go <3
Stefoni

I'm almost finished with homework...so this is legit and not worthy of being called "stalling".

I've been so swwwwamped lately.
I wake up in the morning (usually late), jump in the shower, through on some clothes, do my make-up on the road and in the parking lot, work my bum off till 5, work out, go to some extracurricular activity (working out, Relay for Life, Chamber events...) and then finally, at two in the morning, I just start to turn in. Ugh.

I was talking to Nick the other day about starting our company, Pure Illustrations, and I really, really want to devote all of my spare time to that...but it seems whenever I get a crumb of spare time, some other activity comes and gobbles it up. Lame.

Work has been really stressful lately. I feel like ever since a lot of my friends that I brought into the company have left, I'm a loner. Everyone's got their friends in their departments...I have my boss and I. Also, I feel like some people feel that I'm some kind of narc or backstabber because I don't really hang around with people in the office. I wish I could wear a sign that says, "Hey! I really don't give a flying flip what you do here or what you say! I just come to make my money to pay my bills. I detest drama." damn. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love to chat it up with Mon, DeAnna and Case in the call center and I love hanging with Dawn in production, but I feel like I'm always under some kind of proverbial microscope.

In GOOD news, last weekend was good times galore. On Friday night, we did the usual - cards, drinks, good buddies kickin' it. We also decided, for some ungodly reason, to give Harriet Tubman a bath at like 3 in the morning. She wasn't too psyched about it, but when Nick started cradling her like a little baby, she was all bout it-bout it.

I've made a decision about Harriet Tubman and her baths. I'm going to get her one of those pet snuggies and safety pin it to her, therefore keeping her warm after a kitty bubble bath. Genius!

Saturday, I had the company partay. We had this really tight photobooth thingy where you could get in and get stupid. There were even comical props in the photobooth, such as army helmets, pimp hats, boas, etc. I would put some pics on here that were taken in the photobooth, howev, the site that they uploaded to right-click protects them, and I really don't feel like doing a "print screen - paste - clip" method on it, so just know it was neato. My good friend Mon won employee of the year too, which made me smile, because she really busts her ass.

Later that night, Than' and I headed to Erney's to celebrate the birth of our buddy Kevin. Erney's is super neato because the atmosphere is comparable to a NYC night club. There were like beams of light everywhere, a little block to dance on and window-catwalks to shake it on. I'm all about shaking it, so this was good for me. I think Kevin had a biggity-blast too, which made me happy, because he showed me a fantabulous time on my bday (even if I didn't remember it...) haha. Em, Britt and I became "pole buddies" and pretty much owned the stage for most of the night. Oh! What's also really cool is there is a "Vod Box" at Erney's, which you ask a bartender to take you into it and you take shots of vodka in the cold...any vodka you want! I wanna go back really soon.

So unofficially, Tuesday's over, which means it's almost hump day, which means movie night (and class - blah)! Here's to trying to work on a time machine to speed through the rest of the week and live like a normal Stefoni; not a work-a-holic, fake Stefoni. Wee!

Welcome Back Kotter!

I need to be consistent with the updating...my life is busy and stressful, so it seems like when there is a free second to grab, it should be used for sleep! So here's what's been happenin' as of late...

We celebrated Christmas at Nick and I's apartment this year, because last year was such a bad year. My mom, dad, Ismael, Ash and Nick all were at the apartment and we watched movies, opened presents and played games. It was really nice. The next morning, my mom made a really delicious breakfast and we watched it snow while we ate. It was pretty.

We celebrated my 25th on the landing and at some of the usual places we used to hit whenever we went out alot. It was pretty much non-stop shenanigans...and at one point I got on stage at the Big Bang and sang a collection of Queen songs. Narf. See me, above...I think that was the point where I realized, "Wow...my life is a cartoon.". Speaking of New Years (cuz that's my birthday, durrr) we also hosted New Years at our place. It was a really great time; surrounded by our bestest friends, ringing in the new year. Sad for me kinda, cuz when the ball drops, you know...everyone kisses their bf's and gf's. Me, I kissed my hand.When I look at these pictures of hanging out with my buddies, my mind plays like a 1950's drive through suburbia tune, kinda like the background music of "Billy Brown" by Mika. That makes me really smile.

I've been having a really hard time keep my New Years resolutions; and really, I wouldn't call the "new years resolutions" cuz they weren't. They were just things that I wanted to do for the well-being of myself. I keep trying to quit smoking and I'll go a few good days without smoking, then I'll bottom out. Ugh. Last night Ash and I signed a contract for Golds Gym, which we're canceling tomorrow. Not because we're not going to get a gym membership, we're definitely getting one - we were just kinda tricked into signing at Golds. It was shady to the max. So hopefully whatever place we choose will help me get closer to my goal weight and closer to finding a mate.

Turning 25 makes me ill because lots of people that I know are married; and it's not like I "want" to be married right now, because I don't. However, the last semi-serious boyfriend that I had was a total douche and I can't seem to make that connection. I'm just scared that I'm going to end up alone. I have real mean thoughts about people that get married when they're really not in love...but that's not necessary to bring up, because it'll just piss people off and that's not my goal here. I just think it's stupid to get married to someone if you think you're at "marrying" age. No stupid, get married when you are crazy in love with someone. Like my sis, I know she's crazy in love with her boyfriend, so I get it. I know the spark and I've only felt it with 2 people and until I feel that again, I won't even consider someone tying me down.

Just because I'm 25 doesn't mean I want to have babies. I want to pursue my career, I want to party, I want to travel. So keep your rings away from me...but love will generously be accepted.

Peaks and Valleys

So basically the way things have been recently for me, have been peak and valley like. It's Christmas time and to be able to budget, 3 weeks before Christmas is pretty much like eating fire while spinning plates on a unicycle. Lame.

Anyhoo, look at Ashley's tree! It's her first Christmas in her own house and her own little tree, how exciting! I remember when she was so little, it's weird to see her doing adult things, like having her own place and paying bills. Time really does fly.

In saying that, through these tough times I've been really trying to hold myself close to the things that really make me happy, like Ashley, Nick, Ismael, Kevin, etc. We all only have one life and if we spend it being depressed or feeling cheated out of something, we'll wake up and be 50 and wonder where life went.

I guess that's my biggest concern of all right now. In turning 25 in less than 3 weeks, I hear the hands of my biological clock ticking. It's like sleeping right on a grandfather clock. TICK TICK TICK. This is going to sound so pathetic, but little tears escape out of my eyes whenever I see a happy couple, or a happy ending on TV. It makes me think, "Why not me?" I mean, if I want something this bad, why has it not happened to me? Also, will I be one of those women that lives alone and is everyone's "Aunt Stephanie"?? I hate that thought. I want love. I DESERVE love!

Not only does the clock tick for love, but also for a successful job. I was humiliated today and it made me realize, "How long will I settle and put up with this?" In my head, in my childhood dreams, I imaged myself at 25 owning a home, dressing to the 9's, going to fancy dinner's with the man that I love and working for a major magazine as a columnist. I wish I could rewind my life back to childhood and lower my expectations. Then, when I get to 25, I wouldn't feel so let down.

Shake That

This week had it's ups and downs...but thus is life, especially mine. All week long, I had been running towards the finish line of Friday night, because Ashley, Ismael, Nick and I were going to LMFAO!This show was unlike any show I had ever been to. The Pageant was transformed into a huge dancefloor. I don't usually go to concerts like this either, because #1 I like club music, but not enough to usually buy a ticket. #2 Skanks galore attend these events.

First to come out on stage was Space Cowboy, which was enjoyable, but he only played for like 20 minutes. Plus, his "Space Girls" weren't good at doing anything but lookin like hose beasts. After Space Cowboy, Paradiso came on, and they were really awesome too. After Paradiso played, Far East Movement came on, and they were insane. They entered the stage in big space helmets, playing a spin on Daft Punk's "Around The World". In the pic below, you can see one of their lead singers livin' it up with the party people in the crowd.
The night took a bland turn whenever Schwayze came one. It was so lame. He played for an hour and by that time, I was just ready to LMFAO and sleep. Then, it happened.
LMFAO took the stage and opened with their mix of "Clumsy". It was insanity. Song after song was high energy and unpredictable. The light show was out of this world; plus the way that LMFAO interacts with the crowd is unlike no other. They played mixes of "Shooting Star", "Boom Boom Pow" and "Love Lockdown". Intensity of the show continued on when they played their first hit "I'm in Miami bitch" with a small alteration of "I'm in St. Louis Bitch". The crowd was pumpin' their fists and getting ignorant. They walked off the stage and everyone in the crowd thought the show was over. Hoe's and Bro's alike started chanting, "Shots! Shots! Shots!" prompting LMFAO to end the show with their dancy hit, "Shots". View it here!

Ismael took a video of the show, which I'm sure is bomb. It will have a view of the screen that during the part where the song goes, "Dah dah dah dah" it was like flashing green and all different colors. It doesn't sound epic right now, but when you see some actual footage, you'll believe me. What a weekend! <3

Tough Love

This entry is not completely about VH1's Tough Love; just a little bit.
This is going to sound completely lame, but I did kind of audition for Season 2 of Tough Love. Believe me, I mock myself about this and oddly enough I was in their top 1,000 out of 20,000 that signed up. However (and this is the part were you really make fun of me), I really wish I would've gotten on the show. Not because I'm seeking some sort of reality TV show fame, I really am a loss cause as far as relationships and love are concerned.

This spring, early summer, I dated a guy. We were really similar, and our first date was really really fun. In fact, I'm nervous 99.9% of my life, and I felt completely comfortable with him. We went to a really neat place, we kissed, he was really attractive, we played video games and he even went as far as telling me I was really special to him (in a boy kinda way). Since I have absolutely no skills whatsoever at dating or for that matter, being around members of the opposite sex that are not gay, I asked him if he wanted to go out (I believe my exact, awkward words were "So...Do you wanna be boyfriend-girlfriend?" fail.). From here on, the relationship, if there was ever going to be one, did a class A nose dive.

#1 calls & texts were one-sided and minimal. #2 when we did hang out, conversation was stale and standoffish. This in turn, made me feel awkward and I started writing myself off to him. I did the "last resort" dance; meaning, compliment him, be overly funny and try to be with him as frequent as possible to try and re-admit yourself as datable. This did not work, and I found out about 2 weeks later, that after our first date, he started seeing some girl while he was seeing me.

One event that stands out in my mind is the night that my friend invited me out with her to have a few here in town. I knew that he would be there, and we hadn't hung out in a few days, so I figured why not. Turns out, he told my friend he saw us better as friends, and he didn't end up showing up till the end of the night. When he did show up, he acted like nothing was wrong, and even ended up coming over to my place after that night to make-out. Talk about full circle slap in the face.

This whole hot-mess of what could have been makes me sick to think about. Sick because the girl that he was seeing while he was seeing me, he is still with. It has been about 6 months since I last saw him. Ouch. I never meant to appear desperate, or clingy, or weird...I really just got so happy when I felt like a normal girl; like there was actually hope for me, and that I just might not be alone for the rest of my life. I kind of wish the whole situation never happened at all, because I felt what it feels like to be 100% fulfilled and that life is not all just a letdown.

So that's why I say, I really wish I would've been picked for Season 2 of Tough Love, because right now, I'm a lost cause and on a path to never feel what it feels like to have a wedding or be in true love. It is the loneliest feel ever.

Sleepless in Edwardsville

I haven't been able to sleep since Thursday night.
This is why. And I guess it doesn't help that Aliens and things that relate to Aliens are my biggest fear.

Nick, Ashley, Mael', Sarah, Jonathan, Cory and I went and saw this movie on Friday night. Mistake.

I'm not shitting around, this is the scariest movie that I've ever seen in my entire life. What makes this movie so scary is that there is ACTUAL footage in this movie and the public/government/world still doesn't believe this woman. HOW CAN YOU NOT? This woman is emotionally empty and hopeless. She was a normal, everyday person before all this shit started happening in the town where she lived.

Does anyone ever think, what if this is true? What if there is all of this evidence all around us and no one is taking it seriously just because it's in the category of paranormalish. So on that note, I haven't been able to sleep. If you watched the video, clips from this movie keep running through my head. It's to the point to where its even hard to get a shower, cuz I feel like something will be hanging out, outside of my shower curtain whenever I finish. I know, I'm nuts, however, I'm prepared...

In other news, Nick, Jonathan and I went and saw New Found Glory last night! By some great miracle, Jonathan got tickets for free from Pops, and decided to take Nick and I. The show was really good because they played a lot of stuff of their self-titled album and older. Also, we hung out by the bar for most of the night, which is always a good time. I don't know when I grew up so much, because pretty much 90% of the population at this show was kiddos with their parents. Wow. I feel so fockin old. What also makes me feel supa old, I have like neck pain from jumping around and bobbing my head. How crotchity is that?? Get me ready for the nursing home. damnit.

Time Travel

Happy time change everyone!
Not only did we "Fall" back an hour this weekend, it was also Halloween! I love Halloween, because it's during prime-beautiful weather time and I love wearing wigs. My sister had a dope party on Friday and Nick, Cory, Jonathan and I went.

We hung out there for a while then stopped by our neighbor Abby's house party. Abby's party was a really good time too; there were so many people there. Then the cops came and pissed all over the festivites...lame. Cops blow.

Last night was Nick and I's spooktacular bash. God, what a great time. I borrowed two strobe lights, one from Jonathan and one from Mael'. We also replaced all of the bulbs in our house with black lights and Jonathan brought a long huge black light to put at the doorway. The house looked so spooky. There was dancing, beer pong, card games, more dancing, All-4-One karoke, Stove Shots...Oh what a night.

I would say that it was one of our greatest parties ever. It was really good because Nick n' Jonathan did a really good job decorating and we had tasty little snacks for everyone, PLUS there was finally like a real dance party! I vaguely remember at one party during the night, Amanda and I rapped "Gin and Juice" verbadum. Shenanigans. So I guess that goes without saying that I'm not looking foward to starting another pain-stakingly boring week. Ugh, C'mon Friday! I miss you already!