The difference between the noun and the verb

You would think that being unemployed and having all the free time in the world would be excellent, don't you? Well, it's not.

I do have a job interview tomorrow, but I'm not holding my breath. Most of the interviews that I've gone out on have been pretty busty, so I'm crossing my fingers that this could be the one. Whereas I'm super stoked that I have finally have an interview, it's been a long time coming - and my unemployment is getting very close to running out. Also, I found something out about my previous job that made me cry - very not cool. I've tried long and hard to get over my sad, depressing feelings that I feel towards that place and this was like the cherry on top. I'm trying with all my might to keep my spirits high though, because lately my low-lows have been extremely low. Not to mention, my baby guinea pig, Pig Mallion passed away earlier this month - it's been so hard without him.

However, throughout all this strife, I'm so fortunate to have such a incredible support system. My sister always has my back 100% and whenever I start to spiral down, she pulls me right back up. My mom and dad coddle me and give me the support and inspiration that I need to continue on and my best friend Nick is the embodiment of a lifesaver. That being said, without them, I don't know how I would have gotten through the last few months. Take that, life.

In other news, I'm super uper stoked this weekend! Last weekend, Nick, Cory, Josh and I went to the Lemp Brewery Haunted House - it was excellent; way better than the one we went to the weekend before (The Drip in Chesterfield, MO - don't go, it's extra lame). Also, last Saturday was Cory's Halloween Party (which we were aptly calling, "Pre-game Halloween") and it was a blast. Cory decorated his house so spooky and it was just a great time between friends.

This Thursday (money permitting) we're supposed to go to The Darkness. The Darkness is pretty much always excellent as far as haunted houses go. Plus, apparently it's redesigned so that it's the "scariest in the USA" so we'll see, we will see. Friday is our Annual Halloween Bash, which Nick and I are going over the details as we speak. I mean completely stoked.

Then, Saturday is Ashley's "Nightmare on Plum Street" which will definitely be a great time. I can't wait!

St. Louis > Chicago

...well, as far as concert venues and attitudes go.

Ash, Mael' and I went and spent our whole day on Saturday at First Midwest Bank Amphitheater. If you visit that link, you'll see a header that has excited, exuberant fans in a crowd...that must be a stock photo, because their concert venue bites it; no one that would go there would come close to that level of excited. We went to their Warped Tour (I missed STL's and Ash n' Mael' had such a good time in STL that they wanted to go again), which we all agree now, was a silly idea. None of us had good sleep; Ash running on 10 hours collectively between 2 days, Mael' not a lot, and me, 2 hours between 2 days. I think I had the most fun in the car on the way there and back.

Best performance of the day was hands down, Pierce The Veil (to me, anyway).

(This pic is relatively close to what the setup looked like in Chi-town.)



(Be advised: This is a snippet vid and it is terrible quality.)

I follow Alkaline Trio on Twitter (take a hike if you don't like Alkaline Trio) and read that they were signing autographs at 3 PM, so I decided to see why there was a not a massive crowd in line to get autographs from the boys. Apparently they weren't signing until later in the day (when PTV was playing) and it wouldn't even be the whole band...just Dan Andriano. Disappointed. Also, tell me why they always play at the very end of the day? Everyone is tired as fuck around 3-4ish and pretty much always (no matter what venue) has a drive ahead of them...lame. All in all, Warped Tour in Chicago wasn't a complete fail. Pierce The Veil was good and the road trip was fun. I mean, minus your crazy/itchy-dick drivers Chicago, you're still alright with me.

Friday night (Yes, I'm tarentino-ing this update) Nick, Cory, Josh and I went and saw Dinner For Schmucks.

I thought the movie was good-ish. I thought it was going to be funnier than it was, but still worth the money spent to see it. I was surprised though, because Steve Carrell was the funniest character in the movie and ususally Paul Rudd's comedic-sarcasm always wins me over; not to mention, he's sexy as hell.

My days have been catered courtesy of insomnia for the past few days, so I'm off to walk around the house 5,000 times, watch every movie that I have and everything on my TiVo until I fall asleep...for an hour or so. Woah!

Days Go By

ello' followers!

Lots has been going on since the last time I updated here and that's pretty much why I haven't updated in forevs. My sister, Mael' and I went to Chicago for a week at the end of June - July 3rd (much needed vacation) and had a blast. Our friend Kevin (as mentioned in previous entries) just moved there to be a hairstylist, so we went to visit him and do the tourist thing. All of us bought City Passes, which get you into to all kinds of museums and shows. I had such a great time, I wish I was back there. Also, I miss my friend Kevin very much.

(for more sweet Chi-town pics, click here!)

In other news, last weekend Gaga and Modest Mouse were in town (not together, but on the same epic night). Ash and I are so head over heels for both that we didn't buy tickets to either, to be fair to both parties (...ok, or we didn't have money for either). However, to not completely miss out, Ash and I drove downtown to check out the Gaga fashions and everyone dressed up in her honer. There were girls that had big rock candy sticks, boys dressed in only police tape, and definitely lots of gals donning soda cans in their locks. Unfortunately, these creative individualists were barked at by an infamous hate group from this area. However I quickly remembered a tweet that Gaga posted earlier that morning to her followers that made me feel better; it read:

"I would like to make my little monster fans aware of a protest being held outside the Monsterball in St.Louis tonight. Although we have had protesters before, as well as fundamentalists at the show, this group of protesters are hate criminals and preach using lewd and violent language and imagery that I wish I protect you all from. Their message is of hatred and divisiveness, but inside at the Monsterball we preach love and unity. My request to all little monsters and public authorites is to pay these hate criminals no mind. Do not interact with them, or try to fight, Do not respond to any of their provocation. Don't waste your words, or feelings, no matter what you hear or see you are more fortunate and blessed than they are, and in your heart just pray for them. Although I respect and do not judge anyone for their personal views on any politics or religion, this group in particular to me, is violent and dangerous I wanted to make my fans aware of my views on how to approach, or rather not approach, these kinds of hate activists. Be inspired to ignore their ignorant message, and feel gratitude in your heart that you are not burdened or addicted to hate, as they are. X"

At that point, Ash and I both agreed that it was only making us depressed gawking at Gaga-goers and not being able to participate in the show, so we decided to head back to Illinois.

Today Nick became an Uncle! It was a relatively easy birth for Danielle (Nick's sis) and she was smothered in the love of all the relatives and friends present for the arrival of the little angel. I'll update more when the momma posts pics of the local celebrity and Dani gets back on her feet!

Breaking Points

More than usual, I have been completely overcome with stress. I cannot sleep, my whole body hurts, I cry all the time and I constantly worry. I wish that I could extract my need to create a new worry every day. It is so completely debilitating to have an anxiety disorder. I haven't enjoyed life for about 4 years now. I want that feeling back so bad. I want to live a normal life.

In saying that, I did find a brief comfort today while reading my friend Elise's blog. She's a gentle, kind person and reading her entries is like taking a breath of fresh air. In her most recent entry, she talked about how she felt terrible worry and how she was comforted by this verse:

"You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world. John 4:4"

Now, I know that I'm not the most spiritual of folks and I'm not usually someone to advertise my faith, but this made me feel really safe. Even though I'm not out there shouting it from rooftops that I am a christian, I am and this really brought me back to earth and made me feel safe.

I've come to realize that happiness is not something that you can feel all of the time and it's selfish to think that you should constantly feel happy. Happiness is like seeing a shooting star; it's brief, but if you keep your eyes open, you might see a lot of them.

In other news, one of my best friends, Kevin, moved to Chicago at the beginning of June. He's a fresh hair stylist who definitely does not belong in the St. Louis area, so he is pursuing the life he deserves, starting in Chicago. It's been difficult for me (as I explained to Kev), because I feel like when it's hot/cold outside. I'm 50% so happy for him that things are working out in Chicago because that is the start of his dream, however, I'm 50% sad because of my own selfish reasons for wanting him back with us.

We miss you Kev!

It's weird, because all of a sudden it feels like the world is shifting. My friend Tomas is moving to Texas to attend graduate school and study with a really great professor and another one of my friends is moving (can't say whom yet because it has to remain a secret for a few more weeks). Also, with everything that just recently happened to me, that feels like a huge chapter in my life that has closed. I just feel lost - not in a bad way, but in a nervous way. I feel really on my own and I don't know if I'm mature enough yet to deal with all of it.

I am excited for what's to come, but also very cautious. Things are very sunny with a chance of rain right now.

A day in the life

This entry is colored-coded for your viewing discretion. Red = sad and tear-jerky; Green = light and relaxy-taxi.

It helps to write things out when you're feeling full to the brim with anxiety, so here goes:

Naturally, I'm a basketcase; ask anyone, really. However, lately it's been worse than ever, to the point where I can physically feel it. Sunday nights are unbearable for me. Thinking about the responsibilities that go along with a new week almost eat me alive; it hurts so bad, because I spend Sunday's with my family and I feel like I sell them short with the time that we spend together. So, I started to think, what really set all of this off? Why is worse now then ever?

My Grammie passed away last July and ever since then, I've been a mess. The whole situation was painful the whole way through; it's not something that I boxed up and started feeling now - losing someone is the worst thing on the planet, especially someone that you love with 110% of your heart. I carry her picture in my clutch everywhere I go. I have pictures of her on my cork board. I don't want to accept the fact that she's gone, because when I start to think about it being permanent, it burns my insides.

I know it hurt everyone, and I'm not saying I felt it more than anyone around me, but she was such a influential person in my life, it's hard living without her. I can't talk about it, cuz I won't be able to finish this post, but I keep remembering the last things that she said to me before she passed away, and I wish I would've got to know the person she really was and her life story, rather than just doing the usual grandparent-grandchild activities. In lots of ways, she was like me. God, this is so hard.

But getting back on track here, I think a big reason that I've been such a nut lately is death has never been as present to me as it had been then. Everyone always says, "Everyone dies" but when you're faced with something tangible like that, that you can feel, it becomes a reality. Grammie and I were really nervous people and scared of lots of things...death being one of them. I know this sucks to say, but I wonder if she was scared. I hate to think about it like that, but what if she was? I am. It really makes me think about God, the afterlife and all that. Death is final and am I living enough of a spiritual life? What if I'm not and I won't be able to see her when all is said and done? I'm spiraling here...lets go to something lighter.

With the beautiful weather that has decided to grace it's presence around these parts, have brought lots of fun activities! Nick and I went and got Chinese last Friday (yurm)

(if you ever wondered if fortune cookies were fake...now you know)

Earlier that week, we went and saw the remake of Clash of the Titans. We watched it in 3D (which I was not all that impressed with) and stayed up late. Wee!

Pig Mallion got sick, so we had to take him for his first vet visit ever. Nick and I felt bad for him, so we bought him a new home.

We had a nice Easter too. Spent it with Ashley, Mael, Nick, Mom and Dad. We had the ususal - ham, green beans, asparagus, etc. Then we all shuffled into the living room to watch the Amazing Race, cuz we're couch potatoes like this.

(Nick is prettay famous...he requested no paparazzi at Easter. Denied.)

Peaks and Valleys

So basically the way things have been recently for me, have been peak and valley like. It's Christmas time and to be able to budget, 3 weeks before Christmas is pretty much like eating fire while spinning plates on a unicycle. Lame.

Anyhoo, look at Ashley's tree! It's her first Christmas in her own house and her own little tree, how exciting! I remember when she was so little, it's weird to see her doing adult things, like having her own place and paying bills. Time really does fly.

In saying that, through these tough times I've been really trying to hold myself close to the things that really make me happy, like Ashley, Nick, Ismael, Kevin, etc. We all only have one life and if we spend it being depressed or feeling cheated out of something, we'll wake up and be 50 and wonder where life went.

I guess that's my biggest concern of all right now. In turning 25 in less than 3 weeks, I hear the hands of my biological clock ticking. It's like sleeping right on a grandfather clock. TICK TICK TICK. This is going to sound so pathetic, but little tears escape out of my eyes whenever I see a happy couple, or a happy ending on TV. It makes me think, "Why not me?" I mean, if I want something this bad, why has it not happened to me? Also, will I be one of those women that lives alone and is everyone's "Aunt Stephanie"?? I hate that thought. I want love. I DESERVE love!

Not only does the clock tick for love, but also for a successful job. I was humiliated today and it made me realize, "How long will I settle and put up with this?" In my head, in my childhood dreams, I imaged myself at 25 owning a home, dressing to the 9's, going to fancy dinner's with the man that I love and working for a major magazine as a columnist. I wish I could rewind my life back to childhood and lower my expectations. Then, when I get to 25, I wouldn't feel so let down.

Shake That

This week had it's ups and downs...but thus is life, especially mine. All week long, I had been running towards the finish line of Friday night, because Ashley, Ismael, Nick and I were going to LMFAO!This show was unlike any show I had ever been to. The Pageant was transformed into a huge dancefloor. I don't usually go to concerts like this either, because #1 I like club music, but not enough to usually buy a ticket. #2 Skanks galore attend these events.

First to come out on stage was Space Cowboy, which was enjoyable, but he only played for like 20 minutes. Plus, his "Space Girls" weren't good at doing anything but lookin like hose beasts. After Space Cowboy, Paradiso came on, and they were really awesome too. After Paradiso played, Far East Movement came on, and they were insane. They entered the stage in big space helmets, playing a spin on Daft Punk's "Around The World". In the pic below, you can see one of their lead singers livin' it up with the party people in the crowd.
The night took a bland turn whenever Schwayze came one. It was so lame. He played for an hour and by that time, I was just ready to LMFAO and sleep. Then, it happened.
LMFAO took the stage and opened with their mix of "Clumsy". It was insanity. Song after song was high energy and unpredictable. The light show was out of this world; plus the way that LMFAO interacts with the crowd is unlike no other. They played mixes of "Shooting Star", "Boom Boom Pow" and "Love Lockdown". Intensity of the show continued on when they played their first hit "I'm in Miami bitch" with a small alteration of "I'm in St. Louis Bitch". The crowd was pumpin' their fists and getting ignorant. They walked off the stage and everyone in the crowd thought the show was over. Hoe's and Bro's alike started chanting, "Shots! Shots! Shots!" prompting LMFAO to end the show with their dancy hit, "Shots". View it here!

Ismael took a video of the show, which I'm sure is bomb. It will have a view of the screen that during the part where the song goes, "Dah dah dah dah" it was like flashing green and all different colors. It doesn't sound epic right now, but when you see some actual footage, you'll believe me. What a weekend! <3

Sleepless in Edwardsville

I haven't been able to sleep since Thursday night.
This is why. And I guess it doesn't help that Aliens and things that relate to Aliens are my biggest fear.

Nick, Ashley, Mael', Sarah, Jonathan, Cory and I went and saw this movie on Friday night. Mistake.

I'm not shitting around, this is the scariest movie that I've ever seen in my entire life. What makes this movie so scary is that there is ACTUAL footage in this movie and the public/government/world still doesn't believe this woman. HOW CAN YOU NOT? This woman is emotionally empty and hopeless. She was a normal, everyday person before all this shit started happening in the town where she lived.

Does anyone ever think, what if this is true? What if there is all of this evidence all around us and no one is taking it seriously just because it's in the category of paranormalish. So on that note, I haven't been able to sleep. If you watched the video, clips from this movie keep running through my head. It's to the point to where its even hard to get a shower, cuz I feel like something will be hanging out, outside of my shower curtain whenever I finish. I know, I'm nuts, however, I'm prepared...

In other news, Nick, Jonathan and I went and saw New Found Glory last night! By some great miracle, Jonathan got tickets for free from Pops, and decided to take Nick and I. The show was really good because they played a lot of stuff of their self-titled album and older. Also, we hung out by the bar for most of the night, which is always a good time. I don't know when I grew up so much, because pretty much 90% of the population at this show was kiddos with their parents. Wow. I feel so fockin old. What also makes me feel supa old, I have like neck pain from jumping around and bobbing my head. How crotchity is that?? Get me ready for the nursing home. damnit.

Time Travel

Happy time change everyone!
Not only did we "Fall" back an hour this weekend, it was also Halloween! I love Halloween, because it's during prime-beautiful weather time and I love wearing wigs. My sister had a dope party on Friday and Nick, Cory, Jonathan and I went.

We hung out there for a while then stopped by our neighbor Abby's house party. Abby's party was a really good time too; there were so many people there. Then the cops came and pissed all over the festivites...lame. Cops blow.

Last night was Nick and I's spooktacular bash. God, what a great time. I borrowed two strobe lights, one from Jonathan and one from Mael'. We also replaced all of the bulbs in our house with black lights and Jonathan brought a long huge black light to put at the doorway. The house looked so spooky. There was dancing, beer pong, card games, more dancing, All-4-One karoke, Stove Shots...Oh what a night.

I would say that it was one of our greatest parties ever. It was really good because Nick n' Jonathan did a really good job decorating and we had tasty little snacks for everyone, PLUS there was finally like a real dance party! I vaguely remember at one party during the night, Amanda and I rapped "Gin and Juice" verbadum. Shenanigans. So I guess that goes without saying that I'm not looking foward to starting another pain-stakingly boring week. Ugh, C'mon Friday! I miss you already!

I WANT YOU!

Hey kitties, watching the weekend come to a close makes me so sad. Weekends seem to be the only time of the week where I can actually think clearly and really drink life in to the fullest.

Friday night Nick, Jonathan, Jeana, Andy-Kyle and I attended Cory's Halloween party. Cory n' his sister made this delicious punch that had dry ice in it and there was a cauldron spewing out fog everywhere, which made it look extree spooky. Woah! Saturday night, Nick and I hung out with Ash n' Ismael in St. Louis, in search of some more indie shots of Citygarden. at night.

In other news my sister and I are in the process of writing the script for our rock opera "The Office Queen" including choice songs from the band Queen. It's going to be epic, like I said, I'll see you on the cover of the Rolling Stone. Oh, and check this out...it epic as well. Who'd of thought that the future Quentin Tarentino went to grade school with me?

Reflecting on the death of this weekend, it makes me look towards the future and when I'll have another good moment in my life...which brings me to my next point...HALLOWEEN!Please attend Nick and I's Halloween party next weekend. Anybody who's anybody is going to be there and It's going to be so dope that you're going to want to take mental pictures so that you have them forever. Attend!

I Am In A Holiday Humor

I'm pretty sure that in a previous life, I was a cold weather dwelling animal of some sort. The cold, crisp, breezy weather makes me so happy inside. I never feel this on top of my game throughout the year, as much as I do when it's blustery outside. People get spring fever...I get fall fever. Also in the cold months, the world releases it's creative juices (mostly to make lots o' cash) and decorates to the nines. I love going to St. Louis and viewing the storefronts all decorated with holiday gear. I feel rich.

What's really exciting about this year, is that since our family lost a lot of people that were dear to us last year (Grandma Kurtz and Grammie :( ), we're going to start a new tradition and have Christmas at our apartment (Nick and I). Our normal tradition consisted of having Christmas eve at my moms with Grammie, Paw, Mom n' Dad and we'd all go to Christmas Eve service at Holy Cross. Then, when we would get home, we would open presents from the grandparents, drink dad's eggnog and watch It's a Wonderful Life.

This year, our ever expanding family (Nick, Ismael, Jonathan, Ash, Mom, Dad, Me) will all have Christmas at our apartment. I'm really looking forward to baking cookies, watching movies and enjoying everyone's company in my own home. Holidays! Hurry up and get here!

As 1999 would say, "Raise the roof!"

Guess what Republicans...Barack Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize for 2009! Finally a president who cares about something other than hunting and taking care of his buddies (*coughcough* George Bush)! What's really pathetic is that a lot of Repub's are really butthurt over Barack winning this and feel the need to whine on Facebook, or on the radio, etc. and so on. Can't we ever focus on the positive?? Oh wait, that's a democratic thing...my bad! It just makes me feel overjoyed that we finally have someone in office that is TCB and I feel safe with. USA!

On Friday, me and Ash n' Ismael met up with Nick for the Chili cook-off and SIUE soccer game, which was tre' lame, but we spent the time we were there making fun of the "bros" so it turned out to be a lot of fun. On Saturday Ash, Ismael and I took a trip to Alton to check out McPike Mansion, but realized we didn't have admission money to get in...lame. I really wanted to get the chance to go in and check it out, cuz when I went there back in 03' to do a story for the newspaper, you had a sign a waiver to go in. Spooooooky. When we got home, we hung out with the Nick, Jonathan and Kevin and had an all around good time. :) After everyone had left, Cory and I went with Nick to the airport, because he had to drop his mom off around 3:30 am. Last night was the first time I have ever in my life been in an airport. It was really cool to look up at the little flight board to see where everyone was headed! This weekend was really good and relaxing because I got to spend a lot of time with everyone that I love. Now to start another week...puke.

Pizza Money

I'm really excited about the Fame Kills tour. (tour cancelled...lame. I hate you Kanye.)
I can't hide it and I feel like such a loser for exposing my over-flowing joy that Kanye and L.Gaga are coming to town. In fact, I'm so convinced that Lady Gaga is the best thing that's happened to pop music in eons, I'm dressing up as her for Halloween 09. I appreciate her being so strange and out there, it takes the media's mind off for real psycho's like: Michael Jackson, Speidi and other worthless pieces of trash that clog my diet of celebrity gossip. Another good thing about the Fame Kills ticket will be that you're not just paying to hear the audibly delicious tunes of these genius artists, but you're probably going to get a kick ass stage show. Intricate light shows, off the wall costumes and fights in the audience for one reason or another. I wish it was tomorrow...or tonight. Anticipation!

In everyday normal life, Nick, Ash, Mael' and I went to Virginia to see The Weckers. In the picture we're all chillin' (minus me cuz I'm taking the picture) at Virginia Beach. Virginia Beach was hot, crowded and expensive. However, the sand was alot softer than the first beach we went to. It was hard to even get in the water, because it was riddled with broken shells...however, it made for pretty good shell collecting. It was really cool where Sarah lived (one of the three Weckers). You could walk to the beach from her house and there were all kinds of cool little beach shops and diners. Fun! Driving there was pretty much the scariest hours of my lifetime, but it was well worth it. West Virginia's mountains are scary really early in the morning. Yikes!

My sister is currently at Ben Folds. Lame. I'm so jealous. One of the downfalls to having Twitter send me sms updates is I get to hear about and see how much fun everyone else is having while I continue chugging away at my worthless, pointless, boring life.

Ben, just know...If I was ballin' enough...I'd be your Kate. Just know.

Nick and I Had Adventures...

So Nick and I were bored yesterday, well maybe not even really bored, but just in the mood to spend money we don't really have and went to Best Buy. This is what happens when we go to best buy...

Ok, so It is mostly me that pisses off consumers trying to buy Mac's and employee's that just want to close the store and can't because I'm too busy f'ing with Photobooth application on the display Macs. However, and you can probably relate with me, If you are a PC (not by choice though) and discover the Photobooth application on the Mac, that's basically the only reason you really want to buy a Mac...or maybe I'm just easily amused.

Before our Best Buy adventure, we went and ate sushi at Nori, which was extra delicious. We basically had an all around good day full of adventures galore and then came home to move some stuff around and redecorate at our place. Last weekend we got this really cool piece of Wall Art, or "the wart" (wall+art) as we like to call it, at Weekends Only. It's real Ladue and makes our apartment look expensive.

Additional upgrades that have also made me skip with glee, one being the MythTv. Oh man. So neat-o. I can't really explain it correctly, because if I tried, I wouldn't do it justice. Howev, it's really cool and going to replace our TiVo's (no TiVo payments = extra $$$ in our pockets!). Upgrades like a mutha...

To end the night on a cool note, I found out that Ismael (my sis's bf - a cool guy) is going to Virginia with Nick, Ashley (my sis) and I! Wee! I can't wait to take this trip. We're going to strech out on the beach and do predictable roadtrip activities. Life is good.