Breaking Points

More than usual, I have been completely overcome with stress. I cannot sleep, my whole body hurts, I cry all the time and I constantly worry. I wish that I could extract my need to create a new worry every day. It is so completely debilitating to have an anxiety disorder. I haven't enjoyed life for about 4 years now. I want that feeling back so bad. I want to live a normal life.

In saying that, I did find a brief comfort today while reading my friend Elise's blog. She's a gentle, kind person and reading her entries is like taking a breath of fresh air. In her most recent entry, she talked about how she felt terrible worry and how she was comforted by this verse:

"You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world. John 4:4"

Now, I know that I'm not the most spiritual of folks and I'm not usually someone to advertise my faith, but this made me feel really safe. Even though I'm not out there shouting it from rooftops that I am a christian, I am and this really brought me back to earth and made me feel safe.

I've come to realize that happiness is not something that you can feel all of the time and it's selfish to think that you should constantly feel happy. Happiness is like seeing a shooting star; it's brief, but if you keep your eyes open, you might see a lot of them.

In other news, one of my best friends, Kevin, moved to Chicago at the beginning of June. He's a fresh hair stylist who definitely does not belong in the St. Louis area, so he is pursuing the life he deserves, starting in Chicago. It's been difficult for me (as I explained to Kev), because I feel like when it's hot/cold outside. I'm 50% so happy for him that things are working out in Chicago because that is the start of his dream, however, I'm 50% sad because of my own selfish reasons for wanting him back with us.

We miss you Kev!

It's weird, because all of a sudden it feels like the world is shifting. My friend Tomas is moving to Texas to attend graduate school and study with a really great professor and another one of my friends is moving (can't say whom yet because it has to remain a secret for a few more weeks). Also, with everything that just recently happened to me, that feels like a huge chapter in my life that has closed. I just feel lost - not in a bad way, but in a nervous way. I feel really on my own and I don't know if I'm mature enough yet to deal with all of it.

I am excited for what's to come, but also very cautious. Things are very sunny with a chance of rain right now.

Sleepless in Edwardsville

I haven't been able to sleep since Thursday night.
This is why. And I guess it doesn't help that Aliens and things that relate to Aliens are my biggest fear.

Nick, Ashley, Mael', Sarah, Jonathan, Cory and I went and saw this movie on Friday night. Mistake.

I'm not shitting around, this is the scariest movie that I've ever seen in my entire life. What makes this movie so scary is that there is ACTUAL footage in this movie and the public/government/world still doesn't believe this woman. HOW CAN YOU NOT? This woman is emotionally empty and hopeless. She was a normal, everyday person before all this shit started happening in the town where she lived.

Does anyone ever think, what if this is true? What if there is all of this evidence all around us and no one is taking it seriously just because it's in the category of paranormalish. So on that note, I haven't been able to sleep. If you watched the video, clips from this movie keep running through my head. It's to the point to where its even hard to get a shower, cuz I feel like something will be hanging out, outside of my shower curtain whenever I finish. I know, I'm nuts, however, I'm prepared...

In other news, Nick, Jonathan and I went and saw New Found Glory last night! By some great miracle, Jonathan got tickets for free from Pops, and decided to take Nick and I. The show was really good because they played a lot of stuff of their self-titled album and older. Also, we hung out by the bar for most of the night, which is always a good time. I don't know when I grew up so much, because pretty much 90% of the population at this show was kiddos with their parents. Wow. I feel so fockin old. What also makes me feel supa old, I have like neck pain from jumping around and bobbing my head. How crotchity is that?? Get me ready for the nursing home. damnit.

Time Travel

Happy time change everyone!
Not only did we "Fall" back an hour this weekend, it was also Halloween! I love Halloween, because it's during prime-beautiful weather time and I love wearing wigs. My sister had a dope party on Friday and Nick, Cory, Jonathan and I went.

We hung out there for a while then stopped by our neighbor Abby's house party. Abby's party was a really good time too; there were so many people there. Then the cops came and pissed all over the festivites...lame. Cops blow.

Last night was Nick and I's spooktacular bash. God, what a great time. I borrowed two strobe lights, one from Jonathan and one from Mael'. We also replaced all of the bulbs in our house with black lights and Jonathan brought a long huge black light to put at the doorway. The house looked so spooky. There was dancing, beer pong, card games, more dancing, All-4-One karoke, Stove Shots...Oh what a night.

I would say that it was one of our greatest parties ever. It was really good because Nick n' Jonathan did a really good job decorating and we had tasty little snacks for everyone, PLUS there was finally like a real dance party! I vaguely remember at one party during the night, Amanda and I rapped "Gin and Juice" verbadum. Shenanigans. So I guess that goes without saying that I'm not looking foward to starting another pain-stakingly boring week. Ugh, C'mon Friday! I miss you already!

I WANT YOU!

Hey kitties, watching the weekend come to a close makes me so sad. Weekends seem to be the only time of the week where I can actually think clearly and really drink life in to the fullest.

Friday night Nick, Jonathan, Jeana, Andy-Kyle and I attended Cory's Halloween party. Cory n' his sister made this delicious punch that had dry ice in it and there was a cauldron spewing out fog everywhere, which made it look extree spooky. Woah! Saturday night, Nick and I hung out with Ash n' Ismael in St. Louis, in search of some more indie shots of Citygarden. at night.

In other news my sister and I are in the process of writing the script for our rock opera "The Office Queen" including choice songs from the band Queen. It's going to be epic, like I said, I'll see you on the cover of the Rolling Stone. Oh, and check this out...it epic as well. Who'd of thought that the future Quentin Tarentino went to grade school with me?

Reflecting on the death of this weekend, it makes me look towards the future and when I'll have another good moment in my life...which brings me to my next point...HALLOWEEN!Please attend Nick and I's Halloween party next weekend. Anybody who's anybody is going to be there and It's going to be so dope that you're going to want to take mental pictures so that you have them forever. Attend!

I Am In A Holiday Humor

I'm pretty sure that in a previous life, I was a cold weather dwelling animal of some sort. The cold, crisp, breezy weather makes me so happy inside. I never feel this on top of my game throughout the year, as much as I do when it's blustery outside. People get spring fever...I get fall fever. Also in the cold months, the world releases it's creative juices (mostly to make lots o' cash) and decorates to the nines. I love going to St. Louis and viewing the storefronts all decorated with holiday gear. I feel rich.

What's really exciting about this year, is that since our family lost a lot of people that were dear to us last year (Grandma Kurtz and Grammie :( ), we're going to start a new tradition and have Christmas at our apartment (Nick and I). Our normal tradition consisted of having Christmas eve at my moms with Grammie, Paw, Mom n' Dad and we'd all go to Christmas Eve service at Holy Cross. Then, when we would get home, we would open presents from the grandparents, drink dad's eggnog and watch It's a Wonderful Life.

This year, our ever expanding family (Nick, Ismael, Jonathan, Ash, Mom, Dad, Me) will all have Christmas at our apartment. I'm really looking forward to baking cookies, watching movies and enjoying everyone's company in my own home. Holidays! Hurry up and get here!

As 1999 would say, "Raise the roof!"

Guess what Republicans...Barack Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize for 2009! Finally a president who cares about something other than hunting and taking care of his buddies (*coughcough* George Bush)! What's really pathetic is that a lot of Repub's are really butthurt over Barack winning this and feel the need to whine on Facebook, or on the radio, etc. and so on. Can't we ever focus on the positive?? Oh wait, that's a democratic thing...my bad! It just makes me feel overjoyed that we finally have someone in office that is TCB and I feel safe with. USA!

On Friday, me and Ash n' Ismael met up with Nick for the Chili cook-off and SIUE soccer game, which was tre' lame, but we spent the time we were there making fun of the "bros" so it turned out to be a lot of fun. On Saturday Ash, Ismael and I took a trip to Alton to check out McPike Mansion, but realized we didn't have admission money to get in...lame. I really wanted to get the chance to go in and check it out, cuz when I went there back in 03' to do a story for the newspaper, you had a sign a waiver to go in. Spooooooky. When we got home, we hung out with the Nick, Jonathan and Kevin and had an all around good time. :) After everyone had left, Cory and I went with Nick to the airport, because he had to drop his mom off around 3:30 am. Last night was the first time I have ever in my life been in an airport. It was really cool to look up at the little flight board to see where everyone was headed! This weekend was really good and relaxing because I got to spend a lot of time with everyone that I love. Now to start another week...puke.