This Is a Long Drive for Someone with Nothing to Think About

So many things are on my mind...how shall I spill these out in an organized manner for you to read? Lets see...

Don't Ask Don't Tell and the effect my political views have on my Facebook friends
As you may or may not know, I'm pretty much an extreme democrat and supporter of equal rights. I mean, this is land of the free, correct? It's not ludicrous for me to believe that everyone should be entitled to all the same freedoms, right? Watch this.I can't believe that in this day and age that we are still acting as pig-headed as we did in the past. Also, this is closely related to the issue of marriage. Everyone should be able to be married. Marriage is about love - who are you to determine what the definition of love is? I noticed that being so passionate about my political and/or religious views really strikes a cord with some of my "clued-in" facebook friends. I never mean for any of my posts to be in a derogatory manner or to openly offend people. These issues are so close to my heart and it's hard for me not to speak aggressively about my feelings on such issues - so don't take it personally.

Next, lets touch on the issue of mixing government and religion. Not everyone is a christian. Just because you and I are, doesn't mean that Tom, Dick and Harry are. When you vote in a christian state of mind you force your beliefs down other people's throats and that's not fair. This is land of the free, which loosely means, everyone is entitled to love whomever they wish to love, with or without your consent.For the record, let me state this... "For God so loved the world, that he gave his only son, that WHOEVER believes in him shall not perish, but have eternal life" - John 3:16. There's not a footnote after that passage in the bible that says..."but except you gays...not you." Also, God, Jesus, The Holy Spirit...they're about love, not hate. I think God would be kind of upset with the way people are acting and how they're treating his creations. Also, let me state, I'm not extremely churchy - but my core values and how I was raised touch on Christianity and love. We accept everyone for how they are, regardless of who they decide to love.

Unemployment
I hate not having a job. Yes, I might be free to do whatever during the day, but let me tell you what happens during the day while you're working...
Old people are everywhere. I don't hate old people, persay, but they are crabby, steal my parking spots, act like dicks and mostly mess up any shopping that I have do during the day. Sleep. I sleep more than I've ever slept in my entire life...and it doesn't feel like I thought it would when I had a job. Every morning when I would wake up for work, I would think, "Damn, I wish I could just sleep all day" no. It's not that great. I wake up mostly feeling like crap because I've slept forever and then the day is mostly over. Road construction. It's everywhere and everlasting. It seems like, just when the city(s) fix one area, another is torn to shreds. You're inconvenient to me - work faster.

Also, dealing with the government unemployment office is like the most complicated thing on the entire planet. Let me tell you about some shenanigans that happened to me just recently. I started school August something-or-other and certified for benefits (which you do every other week when you're unemployed) the last week in august. I was supposed to receive my unemployment that Thursday...it did not come. Why, you ask? Apparently (and it's not stated anywhere, per the unemployment headquarters in Chicago) you're supposed to turn in your school schedule to your local office before indicating that you're going to school on your bi-weekly unemployment survey (which you fill out when certifying for benefits). I did what I was supposed to and still didn't get my unemployment. The office lost my paperwork. Then, they found it, issued me unemployment and when I was expecting it this week, they didn't file my paperwork, so I didn't get it again! This was particularly a problem, because I was leaving to go out of town for a Leadership Summit in Chicago for Relay for Life and couldn't go because I was unsure of my funds (and other circumstances that happened within my family :( ). I was so pissed. So, short story long, stay employed.

Till next time, xx

Welcome Back Kotter!

I need to be consistent with the updating...my life is busy and stressful, so it seems like when there is a free second to grab, it should be used for sleep! So here's what's been happenin' as of late...

We celebrated Christmas at Nick and I's apartment this year, because last year was such a bad year. My mom, dad, Ismael, Ash and Nick all were at the apartment and we watched movies, opened presents and played games. It was really nice. The next morning, my mom made a really delicious breakfast and we watched it snow while we ate. It was pretty.

We celebrated my 25th on the landing and at some of the usual places we used to hit whenever we went out alot. It was pretty much non-stop shenanigans...and at one point I got on stage at the Big Bang and sang a collection of Queen songs. Narf. See me, above...I think that was the point where I realized, "Wow...my life is a cartoon.". Speaking of New Years (cuz that's my birthday, durrr) we also hosted New Years at our place. It was a really great time; surrounded by our bestest friends, ringing in the new year. Sad for me kinda, cuz when the ball drops, you know...everyone kisses their bf's and gf's. Me, I kissed my hand.When I look at these pictures of hanging out with my buddies, my mind plays like a 1950's drive through suburbia tune, kinda like the background music of "Billy Brown" by Mika. That makes me really smile.

I've been having a really hard time keep my New Years resolutions; and really, I wouldn't call the "new years resolutions" cuz they weren't. They were just things that I wanted to do for the well-being of myself. I keep trying to quit smoking and I'll go a few good days without smoking, then I'll bottom out. Ugh. Last night Ash and I signed a contract for Golds Gym, which we're canceling tomorrow. Not because we're not going to get a gym membership, we're definitely getting one - we were just kinda tricked into signing at Golds. It was shady to the max. So hopefully whatever place we choose will help me get closer to my goal weight and closer to finding a mate.

Turning 25 makes me ill because lots of people that I know are married; and it's not like I "want" to be married right now, because I don't. However, the last semi-serious boyfriend that I had was a total douche and I can't seem to make that connection. I'm just scared that I'm going to end up alone. I have real mean thoughts about people that get married when they're really not in love...but that's not necessary to bring up, because it'll just piss people off and that's not my goal here. I just think it's stupid to get married to someone if you think you're at "marrying" age. No stupid, get married when you are crazy in love with someone. Like my sis, I know she's crazy in love with her boyfriend, so I get it. I know the spark and I've only felt it with 2 people and until I feel that again, I won't even consider someone tying me down.

Just because I'm 25 doesn't mean I want to have babies. I want to pursue my career, I want to party, I want to travel. So keep your rings away from me...but love will generously be accepted.

Peaks and Valleys

So basically the way things have been recently for me, have been peak and valley like. It's Christmas time and to be able to budget, 3 weeks before Christmas is pretty much like eating fire while spinning plates on a unicycle. Lame.

Anyhoo, look at Ashley's tree! It's her first Christmas in her own house and her own little tree, how exciting! I remember when she was so little, it's weird to see her doing adult things, like having her own place and paying bills. Time really does fly.

In saying that, through these tough times I've been really trying to hold myself close to the things that really make me happy, like Ashley, Nick, Ismael, Kevin, etc. We all only have one life and if we spend it being depressed or feeling cheated out of something, we'll wake up and be 50 and wonder where life went.

I guess that's my biggest concern of all right now. In turning 25 in less than 3 weeks, I hear the hands of my biological clock ticking. It's like sleeping right on a grandfather clock. TICK TICK TICK. This is going to sound so pathetic, but little tears escape out of my eyes whenever I see a happy couple, or a happy ending on TV. It makes me think, "Why not me?" I mean, if I want something this bad, why has it not happened to me? Also, will I be one of those women that lives alone and is everyone's "Aunt Stephanie"?? I hate that thought. I want love. I DESERVE love!

Not only does the clock tick for love, but also for a successful job. I was humiliated today and it made me realize, "How long will I settle and put up with this?" In my head, in my childhood dreams, I imaged myself at 25 owning a home, dressing to the 9's, going to fancy dinner's with the man that I love and working for a major magazine as a columnist. I wish I could rewind my life back to childhood and lower my expectations. Then, when I get to 25, I wouldn't feel so let down.

Tough Love

This entry is not completely about VH1's Tough Love; just a little bit.
This is going to sound completely lame, but I did kind of audition for Season 2 of Tough Love. Believe me, I mock myself about this and oddly enough I was in their top 1,000 out of 20,000 that signed up. However (and this is the part were you really make fun of me), I really wish I would've gotten on the show. Not because I'm seeking some sort of reality TV show fame, I really am a loss cause as far as relationships and love are concerned.

This spring, early summer, I dated a guy. We were really similar, and our first date was really really fun. In fact, I'm nervous 99.9% of my life, and I felt completely comfortable with him. We went to a really neat place, we kissed, he was really attractive, we played video games and he even went as far as telling me I was really special to him (in a boy kinda way). Since I have absolutely no skills whatsoever at dating or for that matter, being around members of the opposite sex that are not gay, I asked him if he wanted to go out (I believe my exact, awkward words were "So...Do you wanna be boyfriend-girlfriend?" fail.). From here on, the relationship, if there was ever going to be one, did a class A nose dive.

#1 calls & texts were one-sided and minimal. #2 when we did hang out, conversation was stale and standoffish. This in turn, made me feel awkward and I started writing myself off to him. I did the "last resort" dance; meaning, compliment him, be overly funny and try to be with him as frequent as possible to try and re-admit yourself as datable. This did not work, and I found out about 2 weeks later, that after our first date, he started seeing some girl while he was seeing me.

One event that stands out in my mind is the night that my friend invited me out with her to have a few here in town. I knew that he would be there, and we hadn't hung out in a few days, so I figured why not. Turns out, he told my friend he saw us better as friends, and he didn't end up showing up till the end of the night. When he did show up, he acted like nothing was wrong, and even ended up coming over to my place after that night to make-out. Talk about full circle slap in the face.

This whole hot-mess of what could have been makes me sick to think about. Sick because the girl that he was seeing while he was seeing me, he is still with. It has been about 6 months since I last saw him. Ouch. I never meant to appear desperate, or clingy, or weird...I really just got so happy when I felt like a normal girl; like there was actually hope for me, and that I just might not be alone for the rest of my life. I kind of wish the whole situation never happened at all, because I felt what it feels like to be 100% fulfilled and that life is not all just a letdown.

So that's why I say, I really wish I would've been picked for Season 2 of Tough Love, because right now, I'm a lost cause and on a path to never feel what it feels like to have a wedding or be in true love. It is the loneliest feel ever.