Breaking Points

More than usual, I have been completely overcome with stress. I cannot sleep, my whole body hurts, I cry all the time and I constantly worry. I wish that I could extract my need to create a new worry every day. It is so completely debilitating to have an anxiety disorder. I haven't enjoyed life for about 4 years now. I want that feeling back so bad. I want to live a normal life.

In saying that, I did find a brief comfort today while reading my friend Elise's blog. She's a gentle, kind person and reading her entries is like taking a breath of fresh air. In her most recent entry, she talked about how she felt terrible worry and how she was comforted by this verse:

"You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world. John 4:4"

Now, I know that I'm not the most spiritual of folks and I'm not usually someone to advertise my faith, but this made me feel really safe. Even though I'm not out there shouting it from rooftops that I am a christian, I am and this really brought me back to earth and made me feel safe.

I've come to realize that happiness is not something that you can feel all of the time and it's selfish to think that you should constantly feel happy. Happiness is like seeing a shooting star; it's brief, but if you keep your eyes open, you might see a lot of them.

In other news, one of my best friends, Kevin, moved to Chicago at the beginning of June. He's a fresh hair stylist who definitely does not belong in the St. Louis area, so he is pursuing the life he deserves, starting in Chicago. It's been difficult for me (as I explained to Kev), because I feel like when it's hot/cold outside. I'm 50% so happy for him that things are working out in Chicago because that is the start of his dream, however, I'm 50% sad because of my own selfish reasons for wanting him back with us.

We miss you Kev!

It's weird, because all of a sudden it feels like the world is shifting. My friend Tomas is moving to Texas to attend graduate school and study with a really great professor and another one of my friends is moving (can't say whom yet because it has to remain a secret for a few more weeks). Also, with everything that just recently happened to me, that feels like a huge chapter in my life that has closed. I just feel lost - not in a bad way, but in a nervous way. I feel really on my own and I don't know if I'm mature enough yet to deal with all of it.

I am excited for what's to come, but also very cautious. Things are very sunny with a chance of rain right now.

Grand Theft Autumn

Fall has arrived! Wee! Some of my greatest memories take place in the fall. I also feel like I am more of myself in the fall; with the exception of having a few down days because of loneliness setting in. I mean, wouldn't you agree that it's better to have a squish when it's cold outside? I think everyone could vouch that as a valid statement.

Last night, in celebration of fall and it's arrival, we had a mini bonfire in our backyard. It was so nice to be around a fire with my favorite buddies. We did it up in real camper style; we cooked weenies and mallow's and ate them off sticks! Yum! The cold weather feels and smells so much better around a fire. I wish it was the weekend forever. Thinking about starting a new week makes me uber, uber, uber down.

I feel like I'm wasting my life, energy and losing my personality doing what I'm doing. I haven't met anyone, I'm constantly on edge and when I get home, all of my energy and personality is sucked dry from my veins. I need a plan B. I don't think anyone around me really understands some of the strife that I'm working through. It's hard to always be as bubbly as required by the people that you're around and when it's not delivered, I think people interpret it as anger/spite towards them. I wish anyone would take the time to just sit down and talk to me. I really hate dealing with things all alone. Especially being single, it's double hard.

In other news, today Ash and I commenced in an Illinois time honored tradition of spelunking for our own pumpkins at Eckerts! We got there pretty late, but nonetheless got to ride the wagon out to pick our own pkins. :)
Check out those babies! Ash and I did pick some apples, but then I realized I didn't have enough cash to buy them so we kind of nonchalantly left the apple bag on the wagon....no harm done, really. Our pumpkins were massive and I'm really excited about carving their faces in. I think mine will have a bow. Wee!