Anxiety

More now than ever, (and I'm sure I've mentioned my anxiety in previous posts) my anxiety is becoming worse and worse. What is worse than anything is that it completely effects the people around me. No one wants to be around someone who is always on edge. This is something that I deal with on a daily basis and every time I have a panic attack, I think... "Phew, ok...that's the last one." No, it never is.

This is really hard for me to talk about, because it is something I deal with only with close friends and family. Scarier than anything is that I worry about things real and fake. I create situations in my head, almost delusional. Like, for example, I'm at a party, have a few beers and then make out with a guy in the dark in my room. Even though I know that all we did was make out, I'll panic thinking that we had sex. Crazy right? I'll worry and worry until that "time of the month" comes around. Do you know how hard it is to have your adrenaline pumping for 28 days straight...more than that, do you know how hard it is to pester your friends and family about the same unrealistic issue for 28 days? I can't get any tasks/chores done, I can't meet deadlines, and I'm short and mean with the people that I love. I feel like I'm living in hell.

I worry about having terminal illnesses (but am too scared to go to the doctor to get the validation that I'm fine), I worry when when we go on road trips that we'll die or get mugged, I'm no fun to be around. The list of worries goes on and on.

I know I should probably going and see a psychotherapist, but I'm so afraid that they'll want to put me on medication, or that my problem will be so severe, that they'll want to hospitalize me. I don't want to be a diagnosis. I want to be normal Stephanie Kurtz, the Stephanie that I was in high school; carefree, funny, etc. Do you know how hard it is to start a relationship and then the guy finds out you're nuts? Needless to say, this could be a big reason why I'm still alone.

If any of you have any advice on how to control my anxiety without taking a medical direction, please let me know. Also, if any of you feel how I feel, please let me know. I feel so alone and trapped inside myself; it's the most alienating feeling ever.