Breaking Points

More than usual, I have been completely overcome with stress. I cannot sleep, my whole body hurts, I cry all the time and I constantly worry. I wish that I could extract my need to create a new worry every day. It is so completely debilitating to have an anxiety disorder. I haven't enjoyed life for about 4 years now. I want that feeling back so bad. I want to live a normal life.

In saying that, I did find a brief comfort today while reading my friend Elise's blog. She's a gentle, kind person and reading her entries is like taking a breath of fresh air. In her most recent entry, she talked about how she felt terrible worry and how she was comforted by this verse:

"You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world. John 4:4"

Now, I know that I'm not the most spiritual of folks and I'm not usually someone to advertise my faith, but this made me feel really safe. Even though I'm not out there shouting it from rooftops that I am a christian, I am and this really brought me back to earth and made me feel safe.

I've come to realize that happiness is not something that you can feel all of the time and it's selfish to think that you should constantly feel happy. Happiness is like seeing a shooting star; it's brief, but if you keep your eyes open, you might see a lot of them.

In other news, one of my best friends, Kevin, moved to Chicago at the beginning of June. He's a fresh hair stylist who definitely does not belong in the St. Louis area, so he is pursuing the life he deserves, starting in Chicago. It's been difficult for me (as I explained to Kev), because I feel like when it's hot/cold outside. I'm 50% so happy for him that things are working out in Chicago because that is the start of his dream, however, I'm 50% sad because of my own selfish reasons for wanting him back with us.

We miss you Kev!

It's weird, because all of a sudden it feels like the world is shifting. My friend Tomas is moving to Texas to attend graduate school and study with a really great professor and another one of my friends is moving (can't say whom yet because it has to remain a secret for a few more weeks). Also, with everything that just recently happened to me, that feels like a huge chapter in my life that has closed. I just feel lost - not in a bad way, but in a nervous way. I feel really on my own and I don't know if I'm mature enough yet to deal with all of it.

I am excited for what's to come, but also very cautious. Things are very sunny with a chance of rain right now.

Peaks and Valleys

So basically the way things have been recently for me, have been peak and valley like. It's Christmas time and to be able to budget, 3 weeks before Christmas is pretty much like eating fire while spinning plates on a unicycle. Lame.

Anyhoo, look at Ashley's tree! It's her first Christmas in her own house and her own little tree, how exciting! I remember when she was so little, it's weird to see her doing adult things, like having her own place and paying bills. Time really does fly.

In saying that, through these tough times I've been really trying to hold myself close to the things that really make me happy, like Ashley, Nick, Ismael, Kevin, etc. We all only have one life and if we spend it being depressed or feeling cheated out of something, we'll wake up and be 50 and wonder where life went.

I guess that's my biggest concern of all right now. In turning 25 in less than 3 weeks, I hear the hands of my biological clock ticking. It's like sleeping right on a grandfather clock. TICK TICK TICK. This is going to sound so pathetic, but little tears escape out of my eyes whenever I see a happy couple, or a happy ending on TV. It makes me think, "Why not me?" I mean, if I want something this bad, why has it not happened to me? Also, will I be one of those women that lives alone and is everyone's "Aunt Stephanie"?? I hate that thought. I want love. I DESERVE love!

Not only does the clock tick for love, but also for a successful job. I was humiliated today and it made me realize, "How long will I settle and put up with this?" In my head, in my childhood dreams, I imaged myself at 25 owning a home, dressing to the 9's, going to fancy dinner's with the man that I love and working for a major magazine as a columnist. I wish I could rewind my life back to childhood and lower my expectations. Then, when I get to 25, I wouldn't feel so let down.