A day in the life

This entry is colored-coded for your viewing discretion. Red = sad and tear-jerky; Green = light and relaxy-taxi.

It helps to write things out when you're feeling full to the brim with anxiety, so here goes:

Naturally, I'm a basketcase; ask anyone, really. However, lately it's been worse than ever, to the point where I can physically feel it. Sunday nights are unbearable for me. Thinking about the responsibilities that go along with a new week almost eat me alive; it hurts so bad, because I spend Sunday's with my family and I feel like I sell them short with the time that we spend together. So, I started to think, what really set all of this off? Why is worse now then ever?

My Grammie passed away last July and ever since then, I've been a mess. The whole situation was painful the whole way through; it's not something that I boxed up and started feeling now - losing someone is the worst thing on the planet, especially someone that you love with 110% of your heart. I carry her picture in my clutch everywhere I go. I have pictures of her on my cork board. I don't want to accept the fact that she's gone, because when I start to think about it being permanent, it burns my insides.

I know it hurt everyone, and I'm not saying I felt it more than anyone around me, but she was such a influential person in my life, it's hard living without her. I can't talk about it, cuz I won't be able to finish this post, but I keep remembering the last things that she said to me before she passed away, and I wish I would've got to know the person she really was and her life story, rather than just doing the usual grandparent-grandchild activities. In lots of ways, she was like me. God, this is so hard.

But getting back on track here, I think a big reason that I've been such a nut lately is death has never been as present to me as it had been then. Everyone always says, "Everyone dies" but when you're faced with something tangible like that, that you can feel, it becomes a reality. Grammie and I were really nervous people and scared of lots of things...death being one of them. I know this sucks to say, but I wonder if she was scared. I hate to think about it like that, but what if she was? I am. It really makes me think about God, the afterlife and all that. Death is final and am I living enough of a spiritual life? What if I'm not and I won't be able to see her when all is said and done? I'm spiraling here...lets go to something lighter.

With the beautiful weather that has decided to grace it's presence around these parts, have brought lots of fun activities! Nick and I went and got Chinese last Friday (yurm)

(if you ever wondered if fortune cookies were fake...now you know)

Earlier that week, we went and saw the remake of Clash of the Titans. We watched it in 3D (which I was not all that impressed with) and stayed up late. Wee!

Pig Mallion got sick, so we had to take him for his first vet visit ever. Nick and I felt bad for him, so we bought him a new home.

We had a nice Easter too. Spent it with Ashley, Mael, Nick, Mom and Dad. We had the ususal - ham, green beans, asparagus, etc. Then we all shuffled into the living room to watch the Amazing Race, cuz we're couch potatoes like this.

(Nick is prettay famous...he requested no paparazzi at Easter. Denied.)

I Am In A Holiday Humor

I'm pretty sure that in a previous life, I was a cold weather dwelling animal of some sort. The cold, crisp, breezy weather makes me so happy inside. I never feel this on top of my game throughout the year, as much as I do when it's blustery outside. People get spring fever...I get fall fever. Also in the cold months, the world releases it's creative juices (mostly to make lots o' cash) and decorates to the nines. I love going to St. Louis and viewing the storefronts all decorated with holiday gear. I feel rich.

What's really exciting about this year, is that since our family lost a lot of people that were dear to us last year (Grandma Kurtz and Grammie :( ), we're going to start a new tradition and have Christmas at our apartment (Nick and I). Our normal tradition consisted of having Christmas eve at my moms with Grammie, Paw, Mom n' Dad and we'd all go to Christmas Eve service at Holy Cross. Then, when we would get home, we would open presents from the grandparents, drink dad's eggnog and watch It's a Wonderful Life.

This year, our ever expanding family (Nick, Ismael, Jonathan, Ash, Mom, Dad, Me) will all have Christmas at our apartment. I'm really looking forward to baking cookies, watching movies and enjoying everyone's company in my own home. Holidays! Hurry up and get here!