Breaking Points

More than usual, I have been completely overcome with stress. I cannot sleep, my whole body hurts, I cry all the time and I constantly worry. I wish that I could extract my need to create a new worry every day. It is so completely debilitating to have an anxiety disorder. I haven't enjoyed life for about 4 years now. I want that feeling back so bad. I want to live a normal life.

In saying that, I did find a brief comfort today while reading my friend Elise's blog. She's a gentle, kind person and reading her entries is like taking a breath of fresh air. In her most recent entry, she talked about how she felt terrible worry and how she was comforted by this verse:

"You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world. John 4:4"

Now, I know that I'm not the most spiritual of folks and I'm not usually someone to advertise my faith, but this made me feel really safe. Even though I'm not out there shouting it from rooftops that I am a christian, I am and this really brought me back to earth and made me feel safe.

I've come to realize that happiness is not something that you can feel all of the time and it's selfish to think that you should constantly feel happy. Happiness is like seeing a shooting star; it's brief, but if you keep your eyes open, you might see a lot of them.

In other news, one of my best friends, Kevin, moved to Chicago at the beginning of June. He's a fresh hair stylist who definitely does not belong in the St. Louis area, so he is pursuing the life he deserves, starting in Chicago. It's been difficult for me (as I explained to Kev), because I feel like when it's hot/cold outside. I'm 50% so happy for him that things are working out in Chicago because that is the start of his dream, however, I'm 50% sad because of my own selfish reasons for wanting him back with us.

We miss you Kev!

It's weird, because all of a sudden it feels like the world is shifting. My friend Tomas is moving to Texas to attend graduate school and study with a really great professor and another one of my friends is moving (can't say whom yet because it has to remain a secret for a few more weeks). Also, with everything that just recently happened to me, that feels like a huge chapter in my life that has closed. I just feel lost - not in a bad way, but in a nervous way. I feel really on my own and I don't know if I'm mature enough yet to deal with all of it.

I am excited for what's to come, but also very cautious. Things are very sunny with a chance of rain right now.

Peaks and Valleys

So basically the way things have been recently for me, have been peak and valley like. It's Christmas time and to be able to budget, 3 weeks before Christmas is pretty much like eating fire while spinning plates on a unicycle. Lame.

Anyhoo, look at Ashley's tree! It's her first Christmas in her own house and her own little tree, how exciting! I remember when she was so little, it's weird to see her doing adult things, like having her own place and paying bills. Time really does fly.

In saying that, through these tough times I've been really trying to hold myself close to the things that really make me happy, like Ashley, Nick, Ismael, Kevin, etc. We all only have one life and if we spend it being depressed or feeling cheated out of something, we'll wake up and be 50 and wonder where life went.

I guess that's my biggest concern of all right now. In turning 25 in less than 3 weeks, I hear the hands of my biological clock ticking. It's like sleeping right on a grandfather clock. TICK TICK TICK. This is going to sound so pathetic, but little tears escape out of my eyes whenever I see a happy couple, or a happy ending on TV. It makes me think, "Why not me?" I mean, if I want something this bad, why has it not happened to me? Also, will I be one of those women that lives alone and is everyone's "Aunt Stephanie"?? I hate that thought. I want love. I DESERVE love!

Not only does the clock tick for love, but also for a successful job. I was humiliated today and it made me realize, "How long will I settle and put up with this?" In my head, in my childhood dreams, I imaged myself at 25 owning a home, dressing to the 9's, going to fancy dinner's with the man that I love and working for a major magazine as a columnist. I wish I could rewind my life back to childhood and lower my expectations. Then, when I get to 25, I wouldn't feel so let down.

Shake That

This week had it's ups and downs...but thus is life, especially mine. All week long, I had been running towards the finish line of Friday night, because Ashley, Ismael, Nick and I were going to LMFAO!This show was unlike any show I had ever been to. The Pageant was transformed into a huge dancefloor. I don't usually go to concerts like this either, because #1 I like club music, but not enough to usually buy a ticket. #2 Skanks galore attend these events.

First to come out on stage was Space Cowboy, which was enjoyable, but he only played for like 20 minutes. Plus, his "Space Girls" weren't good at doing anything but lookin like hose beasts. After Space Cowboy, Paradiso came on, and they were really awesome too. After Paradiso played, Far East Movement came on, and they were insane. They entered the stage in big space helmets, playing a spin on Daft Punk's "Around The World". In the pic below, you can see one of their lead singers livin' it up with the party people in the crowd.
The night took a bland turn whenever Schwayze came one. It was so lame. He played for an hour and by that time, I was just ready to LMFAO and sleep. Then, it happened.
LMFAO took the stage and opened with their mix of "Clumsy". It was insanity. Song after song was high energy and unpredictable. The light show was out of this world; plus the way that LMFAO interacts with the crowd is unlike no other. They played mixes of "Shooting Star", "Boom Boom Pow" and "Love Lockdown". Intensity of the show continued on when they played their first hit "I'm in Miami bitch" with a small alteration of "I'm in St. Louis Bitch". The crowd was pumpin' their fists and getting ignorant. They walked off the stage and everyone in the crowd thought the show was over. Hoe's and Bro's alike started chanting, "Shots! Shots! Shots!" prompting LMFAO to end the show with their dancy hit, "Shots". View it here!

Ismael took a video of the show, which I'm sure is bomb. It will have a view of the screen that during the part where the song goes, "Dah dah dah dah" it was like flashing green and all different colors. It doesn't sound epic right now, but when you see some actual footage, you'll believe me. What a weekend! <3

Sleepless in Edwardsville

I haven't been able to sleep since Thursday night.
This is why. And I guess it doesn't help that Aliens and things that relate to Aliens are my biggest fear.

Nick, Ashley, Mael', Sarah, Jonathan, Cory and I went and saw this movie on Friday night. Mistake.

I'm not shitting around, this is the scariest movie that I've ever seen in my entire life. What makes this movie so scary is that there is ACTUAL footage in this movie and the public/government/world still doesn't believe this woman. HOW CAN YOU NOT? This woman is emotionally empty and hopeless. She was a normal, everyday person before all this shit started happening in the town where she lived.

Does anyone ever think, what if this is true? What if there is all of this evidence all around us and no one is taking it seriously just because it's in the category of paranormalish. So on that note, I haven't been able to sleep. If you watched the video, clips from this movie keep running through my head. It's to the point to where its even hard to get a shower, cuz I feel like something will be hanging out, outside of my shower curtain whenever I finish. I know, I'm nuts, however, I'm prepared...

In other news, Nick, Jonathan and I went and saw New Found Glory last night! By some great miracle, Jonathan got tickets for free from Pops, and decided to take Nick and I. The show was really good because they played a lot of stuff of their self-titled album and older. Also, we hung out by the bar for most of the night, which is always a good time. I don't know when I grew up so much, because pretty much 90% of the population at this show was kiddos with their parents. Wow. I feel so fockin old. What also makes me feel supa old, I have like neck pain from jumping around and bobbing my head. How crotchity is that?? Get me ready for the nursing home. damnit.

Time Travel

Happy time change everyone!
Not only did we "Fall" back an hour this weekend, it was also Halloween! I love Halloween, because it's during prime-beautiful weather time and I love wearing wigs. My sister had a dope party on Friday and Nick, Cory, Jonathan and I went.

We hung out there for a while then stopped by our neighbor Abby's house party. Abby's party was a really good time too; there were so many people there. Then the cops came and pissed all over the festivites...lame. Cops blow.

Last night was Nick and I's spooktacular bash. God, what a great time. I borrowed two strobe lights, one from Jonathan and one from Mael'. We also replaced all of the bulbs in our house with black lights and Jonathan brought a long huge black light to put at the doorway. The house looked so spooky. There was dancing, beer pong, card games, more dancing, All-4-One karoke, Stove Shots...Oh what a night.

I would say that it was one of our greatest parties ever. It was really good because Nick n' Jonathan did a really good job decorating and we had tasty little snacks for everyone, PLUS there was finally like a real dance party! I vaguely remember at one party during the night, Amanda and I rapped "Gin and Juice" verbadum. Shenanigans. So I guess that goes without saying that I'm not looking foward to starting another pain-stakingly boring week. Ugh, C'mon Friday! I miss you already!

I WANT YOU!

Hey kitties, watching the weekend come to a close makes me so sad. Weekends seem to be the only time of the week where I can actually think clearly and really drink life in to the fullest.

Friday night Nick, Jonathan, Jeana, Andy-Kyle and I attended Cory's Halloween party. Cory n' his sister made this delicious punch that had dry ice in it and there was a cauldron spewing out fog everywhere, which made it look extree spooky. Woah! Saturday night, Nick and I hung out with Ash n' Ismael in St. Louis, in search of some more indie shots of Citygarden. at night.

In other news my sister and I are in the process of writing the script for our rock opera "The Office Queen" including choice songs from the band Queen. It's going to be epic, like I said, I'll see you on the cover of the Rolling Stone. Oh, and check this out...it epic as well. Who'd of thought that the future Quentin Tarentino went to grade school with me?

Reflecting on the death of this weekend, it makes me look towards the future and when I'll have another good moment in my life...which brings me to my next point...HALLOWEEN!Please attend Nick and I's Halloween party next weekend. Anybody who's anybody is going to be there and It's going to be so dope that you're going to want to take mental pictures so that you have them forever. Attend!

I Am In A Holiday Humor

I'm pretty sure that in a previous life, I was a cold weather dwelling animal of some sort. The cold, crisp, breezy weather makes me so happy inside. I never feel this on top of my game throughout the year, as much as I do when it's blustery outside. People get spring fever...I get fall fever. Also in the cold months, the world releases it's creative juices (mostly to make lots o' cash) and decorates to the nines. I love going to St. Louis and viewing the storefronts all decorated with holiday gear. I feel rich.

What's really exciting about this year, is that since our family lost a lot of people that were dear to us last year (Grandma Kurtz and Grammie :( ), we're going to start a new tradition and have Christmas at our apartment (Nick and I). Our normal tradition consisted of having Christmas eve at my moms with Grammie, Paw, Mom n' Dad and we'd all go to Christmas Eve service at Holy Cross. Then, when we would get home, we would open presents from the grandparents, drink dad's eggnog and watch It's a Wonderful Life.

This year, our ever expanding family (Nick, Ismael, Jonathan, Ash, Mom, Dad, Me) will all have Christmas at our apartment. I'm really looking forward to baking cookies, watching movies and enjoying everyone's company in my own home. Holidays! Hurry up and get here!

As 1999 would say, "Raise the roof!"

Guess what Republicans...Barack Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize for 2009! Finally a president who cares about something other than hunting and taking care of his buddies (*coughcough* George Bush)! What's really pathetic is that a lot of Repub's are really butthurt over Barack winning this and feel the need to whine on Facebook, or on the radio, etc. and so on. Can't we ever focus on the positive?? Oh wait, that's a democratic thing...my bad! It just makes me feel overjoyed that we finally have someone in office that is TCB and I feel safe with. USA!

On Friday, me and Ash n' Ismael met up with Nick for the Chili cook-off and SIUE soccer game, which was tre' lame, but we spent the time we were there making fun of the "bros" so it turned out to be a lot of fun. On Saturday Ash, Ismael and I took a trip to Alton to check out McPike Mansion, but realized we didn't have admission money to get in...lame. I really wanted to get the chance to go in and check it out, cuz when I went there back in 03' to do a story for the newspaper, you had a sign a waiver to go in. Spooooooky. When we got home, we hung out with the Nick, Jonathan and Kevin and had an all around good time. :) After everyone had left, Cory and I went with Nick to the airport, because he had to drop his mom off around 3:30 am. Last night was the first time I have ever in my life been in an airport. It was really cool to look up at the little flight board to see where everyone was headed! This weekend was really good and relaxing because I got to spend a lot of time with everyone that I love. Now to start another week...puke.

Pizza Money

I'm really excited about the Fame Kills tour. (tour cancelled...lame. I hate you Kanye.)
I can't hide it and I feel like such a loser for exposing my over-flowing joy that Kanye and L.Gaga are coming to town. In fact, I'm so convinced that Lady Gaga is the best thing that's happened to pop music in eons, I'm dressing up as her for Halloween 09. I appreciate her being so strange and out there, it takes the media's mind off for real psycho's like: Michael Jackson, Speidi and other worthless pieces of trash that clog my diet of celebrity gossip. Another good thing about the Fame Kills ticket will be that you're not just paying to hear the audibly delicious tunes of these genius artists, but you're probably going to get a kick ass stage show. Intricate light shows, off the wall costumes and fights in the audience for one reason or another. I wish it was tomorrow...or tonight. Anticipation!

In everyday normal life, Nick, Ash, Mael' and I went to Virginia to see The Weckers. In the picture we're all chillin' (minus me cuz I'm taking the picture) at Virginia Beach. Virginia Beach was hot, crowded and expensive. However, the sand was alot softer than the first beach we went to. It was hard to even get in the water, because it was riddled with broken shells...however, it made for pretty good shell collecting. It was really cool where Sarah lived (one of the three Weckers). You could walk to the beach from her house and there were all kinds of cool little beach shops and diners. Fun! Driving there was pretty much the scariest hours of my lifetime, but it was well worth it. West Virginia's mountains are scary really early in the morning. Yikes!

My sister is currently at Ben Folds. Lame. I'm so jealous. One of the downfalls to having Twitter send me sms updates is I get to hear about and see how much fun everyone else is having while I continue chugging away at my worthless, pointless, boring life.

Ben, just know...If I was ballin' enough...I'd be your Kate. Just know.

Nick and I Had Adventures...

So Nick and I were bored yesterday, well maybe not even really bored, but just in the mood to spend money we don't really have and went to Best Buy. This is what happens when we go to best buy...

Ok, so It is mostly me that pisses off consumers trying to buy Mac's and employee's that just want to close the store and can't because I'm too busy f'ing with Photobooth application on the display Macs. However, and you can probably relate with me, If you are a PC (not by choice though) and discover the Photobooth application on the Mac, that's basically the only reason you really want to buy a Mac...or maybe I'm just easily amused.

Before our Best Buy adventure, we went and ate sushi at Nori, which was extra delicious. We basically had an all around good day full of adventures galore and then came home to move some stuff around and redecorate at our place. Last weekend we got this really cool piece of Wall Art, or "the wart" (wall+art) as we like to call it, at Weekends Only. It's real Ladue and makes our apartment look expensive.

Additional upgrades that have also made me skip with glee, one being the MythTv. Oh man. So neat-o. I can't really explain it correctly, because if I tried, I wouldn't do it justice. Howev, it's really cool and going to replace our TiVo's (no TiVo payments = extra $$$ in our pockets!). Upgrades like a mutha...

To end the night on a cool note, I found out that Ismael (my sis's bf - a cool guy) is going to Virginia with Nick, Ashley (my sis) and I! Wee! I can't wait to take this trip. We're going to strech out on the beach and do predictable roadtrip activities. Life is good.