Progress

"They say that this country is free, and they say that this country is equal, but it is not equal if it's sometimes."

Today, Proposition 8 was ruled to be unconstitutional!!!!

Justice Vaughn Walker of the United States District Court for the Northern District of California wrote that Proposition 8, "fails to advance any rational basis in singling out gay men and lesbians for denial of a marriage license. Indeed, the evidence shows Proposition 8 does nothing more than enshrine in the California Constitution the notion that opposite-sex couples are superior to same-sex couples. … Because Proposition 8 prevents California from fulfilling its constitutional obligation to provide marriages on an equal basis, the court concludes that Proposition 8 is unconstitutional."

Not real sure what Prop 8 is? Check it out here!

Marriage is between only two persons and shall not be restricted on the basis of race, color, national origin, sex, gender, sexual orientation, or religion.

Equality for all, let freedom ring.

St. Louis > Chicago

...well, as far as concert venues and attitudes go.

Ash, Mael' and I went and spent our whole day on Saturday at First Midwest Bank Amphitheater. If you visit that link, you'll see a header that has excited, exuberant fans in a crowd...that must be a stock photo, because their concert venue bites it; no one that would go there would come close to that level of excited. We went to their Warped Tour (I missed STL's and Ash n' Mael' had such a good time in STL that they wanted to go again), which we all agree now, was a silly idea. None of us had good sleep; Ash running on 10 hours collectively between 2 days, Mael' not a lot, and me, 2 hours between 2 days. I think I had the most fun in the car on the way there and back.

Best performance of the day was hands down, Pierce The Veil (to me, anyway).

(This pic is relatively close to what the setup looked like in Chi-town.)



(Be advised: This is a snippet vid and it is terrible quality.)

I follow Alkaline Trio on Twitter (take a hike if you don't like Alkaline Trio) and read that they were signing autographs at 3 PM, so I decided to see why there was a not a massive crowd in line to get autographs from the boys. Apparently they weren't signing until later in the day (when PTV was playing) and it wouldn't even be the whole band...just Dan Andriano. Disappointed. Also, tell me why they always play at the very end of the day? Everyone is tired as fuck around 3-4ish and pretty much always (no matter what venue) has a drive ahead of them...lame. All in all, Warped Tour in Chicago wasn't a complete fail. Pierce The Veil was good and the road trip was fun. I mean, minus your crazy/itchy-dick drivers Chicago, you're still alright with me.

Friday night (Yes, I'm tarentino-ing this update) Nick, Cory, Josh and I went and saw Dinner For Schmucks.

I thought the movie was good-ish. I thought it was going to be funnier than it was, but still worth the money spent to see it. I was surprised though, because Steve Carrell was the funniest character in the movie and ususally Paul Rudd's comedic-sarcasm always wins me over; not to mention, he's sexy as hell.

My days have been catered courtesy of insomnia for the past few days, so I'm off to walk around the house 5,000 times, watch every movie that I have and everything on my TiVo until I fall asleep...for an hour or so. Woah!

Anxiety

More now than ever, (and I'm sure I've mentioned my anxiety in previous posts) my anxiety is becoming worse and worse. What is worse than anything is that it completely effects the people around me. No one wants to be around someone who is always on edge. This is something that I deal with on a daily basis and every time I have a panic attack, I think... "Phew, ok...that's the last one." No, it never is.

This is really hard for me to talk about, because it is something I deal with only with close friends and family. Scarier than anything is that I worry about things real and fake. I create situations in my head, almost delusional. Like, for example, I'm at a party, have a few beers and then make out with a guy in the dark in my room. Even though I know that all we did was make out, I'll panic thinking that we had sex. Crazy right? I'll worry and worry until that "time of the month" comes around. Do you know how hard it is to have your adrenaline pumping for 28 days straight...more than that, do you know how hard it is to pester your friends and family about the same unrealistic issue for 28 days? I can't get any tasks/chores done, I can't meet deadlines, and I'm short and mean with the people that I love. I feel like I'm living in hell.

I worry about having terminal illnesses (but am too scared to go to the doctor to get the validation that I'm fine), I worry when when we go on road trips that we'll die or get mugged, I'm no fun to be around. The list of worries goes on and on.

I know I should probably going and see a psychotherapist, but I'm so afraid that they'll want to put me on medication, or that my problem will be so severe, that they'll want to hospitalize me. I don't want to be a diagnosis. I want to be normal Stephanie Kurtz, the Stephanie that I was in high school; carefree, funny, etc. Do you know how hard it is to start a relationship and then the guy finds out you're nuts? Needless to say, this could be a big reason why I'm still alone.

If any of you have any advice on how to control my anxiety without taking a medical direction, please let me know. Also, if any of you feel how I feel, please let me know. I feel so alone and trapped inside myself; it's the most alienating feeling ever.

Days Go By

ello' followers!

Lots has been going on since the last time I updated here and that's pretty much why I haven't updated in forevs. My sister, Mael' and I went to Chicago for a week at the end of June - July 3rd (much needed vacation) and had a blast. Our friend Kevin (as mentioned in previous entries) just moved there to be a hairstylist, so we went to visit him and do the tourist thing. All of us bought City Passes, which get you into to all kinds of museums and shows. I had such a great time, I wish I was back there. Also, I miss my friend Kevin very much.

(for more sweet Chi-town pics, click here!)

In other news, last weekend Gaga and Modest Mouse were in town (not together, but on the same epic night). Ash and I are so head over heels for both that we didn't buy tickets to either, to be fair to both parties (...ok, or we didn't have money for either). However, to not completely miss out, Ash and I drove downtown to check out the Gaga fashions and everyone dressed up in her honer. There were girls that had big rock candy sticks, boys dressed in only police tape, and definitely lots of gals donning soda cans in their locks. Unfortunately, these creative individualists were barked at by an infamous hate group from this area. However I quickly remembered a tweet that Gaga posted earlier that morning to her followers that made me feel better; it read:

"I would like to make my little monster fans aware of a protest being held outside the Monsterball in St.Louis tonight. Although we have had protesters before, as well as fundamentalists at the show, this group of protesters are hate criminals and preach using lewd and violent language and imagery that I wish I protect you all from. Their message is of hatred and divisiveness, but inside at the Monsterball we preach love and unity. My request to all little monsters and public authorites is to pay these hate criminals no mind. Do not interact with them, or try to fight, Do not respond to any of their provocation. Don't waste your words, or feelings, no matter what you hear or see you are more fortunate and blessed than they are, and in your heart just pray for them. Although I respect and do not judge anyone for their personal views on any politics or religion, this group in particular to me, is violent and dangerous I wanted to make my fans aware of my views on how to approach, or rather not approach, these kinds of hate activists. Be inspired to ignore their ignorant message, and feel gratitude in your heart that you are not burdened or addicted to hate, as they are. X"

At that point, Ash and I both agreed that it was only making us depressed gawking at Gaga-goers and not being able to participate in the show, so we decided to head back to Illinois.

Today Nick became an Uncle! It was a relatively easy birth for Danielle (Nick's sis) and she was smothered in the love of all the relatives and friends present for the arrival of the little angel. I'll update more when the momma posts pics of the local celebrity and Dani gets back on her feet!

Breaking Points

More than usual, I have been completely overcome with stress. I cannot sleep, my whole body hurts, I cry all the time and I constantly worry. I wish that I could extract my need to create a new worry every day. It is so completely debilitating to have an anxiety disorder. I haven't enjoyed life for about 4 years now. I want that feeling back so bad. I want to live a normal life.

In saying that, I did find a brief comfort today while reading my friend Elise's blog. She's a gentle, kind person and reading her entries is like taking a breath of fresh air. In her most recent entry, she talked about how she felt terrible worry and how she was comforted by this verse:

"You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world. John 4:4"

Now, I know that I'm not the most spiritual of folks and I'm not usually someone to advertise my faith, but this made me feel really safe. Even though I'm not out there shouting it from rooftops that I am a christian, I am and this really brought me back to earth and made me feel safe.

I've come to realize that happiness is not something that you can feel all of the time and it's selfish to think that you should constantly feel happy. Happiness is like seeing a shooting star; it's brief, but if you keep your eyes open, you might see a lot of them.

In other news, one of my best friends, Kevin, moved to Chicago at the beginning of June. He's a fresh hair stylist who definitely does not belong in the St. Louis area, so he is pursuing the life he deserves, starting in Chicago. It's been difficult for me (as I explained to Kev), because I feel like when it's hot/cold outside. I'm 50% so happy for him that things are working out in Chicago because that is the start of his dream, however, I'm 50% sad because of my own selfish reasons for wanting him back with us.

We miss you Kev!

It's weird, because all of a sudden it feels like the world is shifting. My friend Tomas is moving to Texas to attend graduate school and study with a really great professor and another one of my friends is moving (can't say whom yet because it has to remain a secret for a few more weeks). Also, with everything that just recently happened to me, that feels like a huge chapter in my life that has closed. I just feel lost - not in a bad way, but in a nervous way. I feel really on my own and I don't know if I'm mature enough yet to deal with all of it.

I am excited for what's to come, but also very cautious. Things are very sunny with a chance of rain right now.

"Restructuring"

The dictionary defines restructuring as:

"A significant modification made to the debt, operations or structure of a company. This type of corporate action is usually made when there are significant problems in a company, which are causing some form of financial harm and putting the overall business in jeopardy. The hope is that through restructuring, a company can eliminate financial harm and improve the business."

Stefoni defines restructuring as:

"scrambling".

On June 3rd I lost my job at Woods. I'm going to Tarantino this for you real quick...

The day was a day unlike any other day. It was frustrating and monotonous. When I clocked in, I got my morning coffee and proceeded to doing my work. A new hire came in mid-day and was getting the general "show you around the office" tour. When the manager doing this didn't stop into my office to introduce the new hire to me, I knew something was kind of fishy. In addition to this being strange, earlier in the week I had asked one of the managers if we had any positions open that my mom could apply for. I explained that my family had fallen on hard times and we had been going to the food pantry because things had been so grim for us. With a tilted frown, she said, "No, not at the moment. All the positions have been filled for the office." I continued on with the day, kind of disappointed because I felt so bad for my mom.

So on June 3rd, I went home for lunch and told my mom I was so frustrated that if "all the positions in the office were filled" then why was there a new hire in the office? She told me to brush it off and to move on, that this type of thing always happened and I shouldn't expect anything different. My feelings were hurt, but she was right. So I traveled back to the office to finish out the day.

Mail call. A nice lady in the Accounting Department always delivered the mail in the afternoon and she brought me a small letter from the American Cancer Society. I tore it open and read:

"Dear Stephanie, Thank you so much for all that you do for Relay...as a team captain and on the [marketing] committee. I cannot thank you enough for all the time and effort you put into the event & the help you give anyone who needs it. You are the best! Thank you again - I appreciate you so much!"

Wow. How caring and considerate was this note, I thought. The letter gave me some pep and my frown started to transform into a smile. About this time, my boss came in. He was popping around town, helping our local chamber get things ready for the Horseradish Festival. We exchanged pleasantrys like we normally did and then he headed back towards the back end of the office to check his email. (His computer had been broke for about a good 3 weeks, so he was using a computer in the back). I needed his input on a video I was editing, so I traveled towards the back to grab him for help. When I found him, he was standing at the copier with our I.T. guy.

Now, you know when you come up on someone and you catch them in the middle of talking about you? Yeah, that's what happened.

They quickly silenced their conversation and my boss answered my question. I headed back to my part of the office, puzzled and nervous. Low and behold, not 10 minutes later, my boss came back to our office. He said, "Hey, come with me upstairs." I said, "Is everything ok?" and he said, "Just come" and motioned for me to follow.

This is never good.

We headed upstairs and I felt my insides twist into knots. The manager looked at me with the same tilted frown I had seen earlier that week. He explained to me that the company was "restructuring" their Marketing Department and that they were going to have to let me go. I thought it was a joke (because my boss would occasionally joke with me like this) and I even said, "Ok, really, what's up?". It wasn't a joke and I was dismissed to pack my desk and leave. I felt warm tears running down my face and feelings of worthlessness taking over my mind.

I felt thrown out, backstabbed, used, and like the past 4 1/2 years I had delivered them nothing less than 110%, didn't mean anything. My heart was completely broken.

I was so numb while I was putting the past 4 1/2 years of my life into a box. To make matters worse, people hid behind doors to avoid having to deal with my feelings. The "friends" persona was no more - the jig was up and only doors could hide this truth. My boss, whom I held close to my heart like a father figure could only watch me fall to pieces. He helped me out the door to load my working career into my car. Tears pouring out of my eyes like someone had turned on a kitchen sink, I gave him probably our last hug ever and told him that he was the most fantastic boss that I had ever had the pleasure to work for. I told him that I hoped that his next employee appreciated him as much as I did. He said the same to me.

Moderately hyperventilating, I drove away.

These past few weeks have been some of the hardest weeks of my life to get through. I'm still so confused, so hurt, so broken. Why didn't they offer me another position in the office? I'm cross trained in almost every department, so why didn't they offer me something? What did I do wrong? How could they do this to me when they know that my family is struggling so hard right now? I thought we were friends. I've never been let go from a job before and I've always been a shining example to employees; why did this happen to me?

So currently, you could say I'm "restructuring" my life and trying to figure out how to survive after the fall out of getting fired. This is one of the hardest, most grim times in my life to date.

A day in the life

This entry is colored-coded for your viewing discretion. Red = sad and tear-jerky; Green = light and relaxy-taxi.

It helps to write things out when you're feeling full to the brim with anxiety, so here goes:

Naturally, I'm a basketcase; ask anyone, really. However, lately it's been worse than ever, to the point where I can physically feel it. Sunday nights are unbearable for me. Thinking about the responsibilities that go along with a new week almost eat me alive; it hurts so bad, because I spend Sunday's with my family and I feel like I sell them short with the time that we spend together. So, I started to think, what really set all of this off? Why is worse now then ever?

My Grammie passed away last July and ever since then, I've been a mess. The whole situation was painful the whole way through; it's not something that I boxed up and started feeling now - losing someone is the worst thing on the planet, especially someone that you love with 110% of your heart. I carry her picture in my clutch everywhere I go. I have pictures of her on my cork board. I don't want to accept the fact that she's gone, because when I start to think about it being permanent, it burns my insides.

I know it hurt everyone, and I'm not saying I felt it more than anyone around me, but she was such a influential person in my life, it's hard living without her. I can't talk about it, cuz I won't be able to finish this post, but I keep remembering the last things that she said to me before she passed away, and I wish I would've got to know the person she really was and her life story, rather than just doing the usual grandparent-grandchild activities. In lots of ways, she was like me. God, this is so hard.

But getting back on track here, I think a big reason that I've been such a nut lately is death has never been as present to me as it had been then. Everyone always says, "Everyone dies" but when you're faced with something tangible like that, that you can feel, it becomes a reality. Grammie and I were really nervous people and scared of lots of things...death being one of them. I know this sucks to say, but I wonder if she was scared. I hate to think about it like that, but what if she was? I am. It really makes me think about God, the afterlife and all that. Death is final and am I living enough of a spiritual life? What if I'm not and I won't be able to see her when all is said and done? I'm spiraling here...lets go to something lighter.

With the beautiful weather that has decided to grace it's presence around these parts, have brought lots of fun activities! Nick and I went and got Chinese last Friday (yurm)

(if you ever wondered if fortune cookies were fake...now you know)

Earlier that week, we went and saw the remake of Clash of the Titans. We watched it in 3D (which I was not all that impressed with) and stayed up late. Wee!

Pig Mallion got sick, so we had to take him for his first vet visit ever. Nick and I felt bad for him, so we bought him a new home.

We had a nice Easter too. Spent it with Ashley, Mael, Nick, Mom and Dad. We had the ususal - ham, green beans, asparagus, etc. Then we all shuffled into the living room to watch the Amazing Race, cuz we're couch potatoes like this.

(Nick is prettay famous...he requested no paparazzi at Easter. Denied.)

Where has Stefoni been?

Hey kiddies -
So I guess it's safe to say that I'm not very good about updating this...I'm working on it. Since Valentines day, not too much has been going on; just the day to day nonsense that is my life. One cool guy thing that happened is that Nick, Cory, Kevin and I went to Chicago!Chicago was fantastic. We left on a Thursday night and arrived in Chicago at about 1 AM on Friday morning. That day, we walked all over Magnificent Mile (there is a two story XXI...have mercy!), got Starbucks like 2 million times and just soaked up the atmosphere that is Chicago.
We go so lucky that the weather was sunny almost the whole time that we were there. I mean, it was definitely frigid, but still lovely as ever. Since we weren't very 100% familiar with the train/bus system in Chicago...we got lost a lot and ended up walking....a lot. Speaking of the trains, some of the stops were beautiful. Towards the end of the trip, we really started to get the hang of navigating the train systems. I like Chicago. We did lots of touristy things...Went to Gino's East, tried to get into the Sears Tower, went to Chinatown and Greek Town. It was a blast. We're supposed to be going back this summer - and even more awesome, we'll be there during Taste of Chicago!

In other news, life has been pretty good lately. Even though I'm not in a relationship, life still hasn't sucked too hard. Being around my friends, crafting, designing and just finding the humor in everyday life keeps me going. Work has been really trying lately - especially with the new Health Care law passing (I'm for it...99.9% of my office is against it) - but I'm keeping a positive demeanor about it and keep reminding myself that the great thing about America is that we're all welcome to have our own opinion.

This is ending abruptly, but it's Friday...gots to go <3
Stefoni

I'm almost finished with homework...so this is legit and not worthy of being called "stalling".

I've been so swwwwamped lately.
I wake up in the morning (usually late), jump in the shower, through on some clothes, do my make-up on the road and in the parking lot, work my bum off till 5, work out, go to some extracurricular activity (working out, Relay for Life, Chamber events...) and then finally, at two in the morning, I just start to turn in. Ugh.

I was talking to Nick the other day about starting our company, Pure Illustrations, and I really, really want to devote all of my spare time to that...but it seems whenever I get a crumb of spare time, some other activity comes and gobbles it up. Lame.

Work has been really stressful lately. I feel like ever since a lot of my friends that I brought into the company have left, I'm a loner. Everyone's got their friends in their departments...I have my boss and I. Also, I feel like some people feel that I'm some kind of narc or backstabber because I don't really hang around with people in the office. I wish I could wear a sign that says, "Hey! I really don't give a flying flip what you do here or what you say! I just come to make my money to pay my bills. I detest drama." damn. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love to chat it up with Mon, DeAnna and Case in the call center and I love hanging with Dawn in production, but I feel like I'm always under some kind of proverbial microscope.

In GOOD news, last weekend was good times galore. On Friday night, we did the usual - cards, drinks, good buddies kickin' it. We also decided, for some ungodly reason, to give Harriet Tubman a bath at like 3 in the morning. She wasn't too psyched about it, but when Nick started cradling her like a little baby, she was all bout it-bout it.

I've made a decision about Harriet Tubman and her baths. I'm going to get her one of those pet snuggies and safety pin it to her, therefore keeping her warm after a kitty bubble bath. Genius!

Saturday, I had the company partay. We had this really tight photobooth thingy where you could get in and get stupid. There were even comical props in the photobooth, such as army helmets, pimp hats, boas, etc. I would put some pics on here that were taken in the photobooth, howev, the site that they uploaded to right-click protects them, and I really don't feel like doing a "print screen - paste - clip" method on it, so just know it was neato. My good friend Mon won employee of the year too, which made me smile, because she really busts her ass.

Later that night, Than' and I headed to Erney's to celebrate the birth of our buddy Kevin. Erney's is super neato because the atmosphere is comparable to a NYC night club. There were like beams of light everywhere, a little block to dance on and window-catwalks to shake it on. I'm all about shaking it, so this was good for me. I think Kevin had a biggity-blast too, which made me happy, because he showed me a fantabulous time on my bday (even if I didn't remember it...) haha. Em, Britt and I became "pole buddies" and pretty much owned the stage for most of the night. Oh! What's also really cool is there is a "Vod Box" at Erney's, which you ask a bartender to take you into it and you take shots of vodka in the cold...any vodka you want! I wanna go back really soon.

So unofficially, Tuesday's over, which means it's almost hump day, which means movie night (and class - blah)! Here's to trying to work on a time machine to speed through the rest of the week and live like a normal Stefoni; not a work-a-holic, fake Stefoni. Wee!

Welcome Back Kotter!

I need to be consistent with the updating...my life is busy and stressful, so it seems like when there is a free second to grab, it should be used for sleep! So here's what's been happenin' as of late...

We celebrated Christmas at Nick and I's apartment this year, because last year was such a bad year. My mom, dad, Ismael, Ash and Nick all were at the apartment and we watched movies, opened presents and played games. It was really nice. The next morning, my mom made a really delicious breakfast and we watched it snow while we ate. It was pretty.

We celebrated my 25th on the landing and at some of the usual places we used to hit whenever we went out alot. It was pretty much non-stop shenanigans...and at one point I got on stage at the Big Bang and sang a collection of Queen songs. Narf. See me, above...I think that was the point where I realized, "Wow...my life is a cartoon.". Speaking of New Years (cuz that's my birthday, durrr) we also hosted New Years at our place. It was a really great time; surrounded by our bestest friends, ringing in the new year. Sad for me kinda, cuz when the ball drops, you know...everyone kisses their bf's and gf's. Me, I kissed my hand.When I look at these pictures of hanging out with my buddies, my mind plays like a 1950's drive through suburbia tune, kinda like the background music of "Billy Brown" by Mika. That makes me really smile.

I've been having a really hard time keep my New Years resolutions; and really, I wouldn't call the "new years resolutions" cuz they weren't. They were just things that I wanted to do for the well-being of myself. I keep trying to quit smoking and I'll go a few good days without smoking, then I'll bottom out. Ugh. Last night Ash and I signed a contract for Golds Gym, which we're canceling tomorrow. Not because we're not going to get a gym membership, we're definitely getting one - we were just kinda tricked into signing at Golds. It was shady to the max. So hopefully whatever place we choose will help me get closer to my goal weight and closer to finding a mate.

Turning 25 makes me ill because lots of people that I know are married; and it's not like I "want" to be married right now, because I don't. However, the last semi-serious boyfriend that I had was a total douche and I can't seem to make that connection. I'm just scared that I'm going to end up alone. I have real mean thoughts about people that get married when they're really not in love...but that's not necessary to bring up, because it'll just piss people off and that's not my goal here. I just think it's stupid to get married to someone if you think you're at "marrying" age. No stupid, get married when you are crazy in love with someone. Like my sis, I know she's crazy in love with her boyfriend, so I get it. I know the spark and I've only felt it with 2 people and until I feel that again, I won't even consider someone tying me down.

Just because I'm 25 doesn't mean I want to have babies. I want to pursue my career, I want to party, I want to travel. So keep your rings away from me...but love will generously be accepted.