Sweet and Sour

Sometimes I have a hard time letting things go, especially when things offend me on a personal level. I wouldn't say that I hold grudges, but once something is said or done and it effects me deeply, it's hard to forget. Such as:

1. Politics and Political Issues

I voted on Tuesday and I felt like my vote didn't even make a difference in the outcome of the elections. Mostly, everyone that I voted for didn't get elected and all the issues that I voted for, went the other way. Also, whenever there is something going on that is political, Facebook floods with ignorance. People make statements that have no factual backing (or backing that they heard from Rush) and the small-mindedness is abounding. I cannot express to you how much it breaks my heart that some American's are still in a 1950's frame of mind and then try to support their position or defend it with God. God/The Bible are not game pieces, so please do not use them as such.

2. Liars

Lying is so filthy. If you don't like me, don't pretend that you do. I found this out to the fullest extent a little less than a month ago. I was doing a little internet surfing and came across something shocking, which illuminated to me, that what I was being fed was a bold-faced lie. Also, this has nothing to do with my friends - this deals with people that I used to trust that are ADULTS and do not act like adults. I think it hurts more when someone you feel completely safe with, like someone that is older than you, betrays your trust. I think that's probably why I'm having such a hard time dealing with the betrayal I feel inside. These people are breeding and teaching their spawn to be exactly like them - filthy, despicable people. One in particular tries to pretend that we're still "all good" like I'm some kind of fool that is still unaware of the lies. It hurts my feelings so bad, no one will ever really know.

On happier, lighter notes - lets talk about Halloween! Well, instead of talking, let me give you a little picture montage, because I feel as if I've rambled enough throughout this entry!

The annual carving of the gourds:

(Nick's pumpkin)

(My pumpkin)

(The finale)

The Halloween bash:

Some of the pictures may appear a little smokey, but that's because we had a sweet fog machine going in the living room (score) and Erin is holding a Snuggie because she won our costume contest. All in all, a great night!

xo

Are you hungry? Are you sick? Are you begging for a break?

I'm so completely cynical today - which blows, because I've been this way for the past few days, and it's October; this is usually my happy month.
Today I went and took care of my mom - she has the flu so bad she can barely like, move at all. It's hard to see your mum like that, because she's usually the one taking care of you. Get well soon, you little trooper!

Nick and I are trying to get everything straightened out for our party, but it seems that we keep missing each other and the days are wearing thinner and thinner. In addition to not having everything in it's right place, I have no costume and no money to buy a costume. I love Halloween, it's probably my favorite holiday in the whole year and for money to run extremely tight around Halloween is like the icing on the cake. I barely (well, wait, no. I don't...) have money to feed myself.

This all seems like depressing news, huh? Well, I wish that I had better things to report! Hopefully this weekend will bring the peak that my life is desperately needing right now. *fingers crossed*

The difference between the noun and the verb

You would think that being unemployed and having all the free time in the world would be excellent, don't you? Well, it's not.

I do have a job interview tomorrow, but I'm not holding my breath. Most of the interviews that I've gone out on have been pretty busty, so I'm crossing my fingers that this could be the one. Whereas I'm super stoked that I have finally have an interview, it's been a long time coming - and my unemployment is getting very close to running out. Also, I found something out about my previous job that made me cry - very not cool. I've tried long and hard to get over my sad, depressing feelings that I feel towards that place and this was like the cherry on top. I'm trying with all my might to keep my spirits high though, because lately my low-lows have been extremely low. Not to mention, my baby guinea pig, Pig Mallion passed away earlier this month - it's been so hard without him.

However, throughout all this strife, I'm so fortunate to have such a incredible support system. My sister always has my back 100% and whenever I start to spiral down, she pulls me right back up. My mom and dad coddle me and give me the support and inspiration that I need to continue on and my best friend Nick is the embodiment of a lifesaver. That being said, without them, I don't know how I would have gotten through the last few months. Take that, life.

In other news, I'm super uper stoked this weekend! Last weekend, Nick, Cory, Josh and I went to the Lemp Brewery Haunted House - it was excellent; way better than the one we went to the weekend before (The Drip in Chesterfield, MO - don't go, it's extra lame). Also, last Saturday was Cory's Halloween Party (which we were aptly calling, "Pre-game Halloween") and it was a blast. Cory decorated his house so spooky and it was just a great time between friends.

This Thursday (money permitting) we're supposed to go to The Darkness. The Darkness is pretty much always excellent as far as haunted houses go. Plus, apparently it's redesigned so that it's the "scariest in the USA" so we'll see, we will see. Friday is our Annual Halloween Bash, which Nick and I are going over the details as we speak. I mean completely stoked.

Then, Saturday is Ashley's "Nightmare on Plum Street" which will definitely be a great time. I can't wait!

This Is a Long Drive for Someone with Nothing to Think About

So many things are on my mind...how shall I spill these out in an organized manner for you to read? Lets see...

Don't Ask Don't Tell and the effect my political views have on my Facebook friends
As you may or may not know, I'm pretty much an extreme democrat and supporter of equal rights. I mean, this is land of the free, correct? It's not ludicrous for me to believe that everyone should be entitled to all the same freedoms, right? Watch this.I can't believe that in this day and age that we are still acting as pig-headed as we did in the past. Also, this is closely related to the issue of marriage. Everyone should be able to be married. Marriage is about love - who are you to determine what the definition of love is? I noticed that being so passionate about my political and/or religious views really strikes a cord with some of my "clued-in" facebook friends. I never mean for any of my posts to be in a derogatory manner or to openly offend people. These issues are so close to my heart and it's hard for me not to speak aggressively about my feelings on such issues - so don't take it personally.

Next, lets touch on the issue of mixing government and religion. Not everyone is a christian. Just because you and I are, doesn't mean that Tom, Dick and Harry are. When you vote in a christian state of mind you force your beliefs down other people's throats and that's not fair. This is land of the free, which loosely means, everyone is entitled to love whomever they wish to love, with or without your consent.For the record, let me state this... "For God so loved the world, that he gave his only son, that WHOEVER believes in him shall not perish, but have eternal life" - John 3:16. There's not a footnote after that passage in the bible that says..."but except you gays...not you." Also, God, Jesus, The Holy Spirit...they're about love, not hate. I think God would be kind of upset with the way people are acting and how they're treating his creations. Also, let me state, I'm not extremely churchy - but my core values and how I was raised touch on Christianity and love. We accept everyone for how they are, regardless of who they decide to love.

Unemployment
I hate not having a job. Yes, I might be free to do whatever during the day, but let me tell you what happens during the day while you're working...
Old people are everywhere. I don't hate old people, persay, but they are crabby, steal my parking spots, act like dicks and mostly mess up any shopping that I have do during the day. Sleep. I sleep more than I've ever slept in my entire life...and it doesn't feel like I thought it would when I had a job. Every morning when I would wake up for work, I would think, "Damn, I wish I could just sleep all day" no. It's not that great. I wake up mostly feeling like crap because I've slept forever and then the day is mostly over. Road construction. It's everywhere and everlasting. It seems like, just when the city(s) fix one area, another is torn to shreds. You're inconvenient to me - work faster.

Also, dealing with the government unemployment office is like the most complicated thing on the entire planet. Let me tell you about some shenanigans that happened to me just recently. I started school August something-or-other and certified for benefits (which you do every other week when you're unemployed) the last week in august. I was supposed to receive my unemployment that Thursday...it did not come. Why, you ask? Apparently (and it's not stated anywhere, per the unemployment headquarters in Chicago) you're supposed to turn in your school schedule to your local office before indicating that you're going to school on your bi-weekly unemployment survey (which you fill out when certifying for benefits). I did what I was supposed to and still didn't get my unemployment. The office lost my paperwork. Then, they found it, issued me unemployment and when I was expecting it this week, they didn't file my paperwork, so I didn't get it again! This was particularly a problem, because I was leaving to go out of town for a Leadership Summit in Chicago for Relay for Life and couldn't go because I was unsure of my funds (and other circumstances that happened within my family :( ). I was so pissed. So, short story long, stay employed.

Till next time, xx

Progress

"They say that this country is free, and they say that this country is equal, but it is not equal if it's sometimes."

Today, Proposition 8 was ruled to be unconstitutional!!!!

Justice Vaughn Walker of the United States District Court for the Northern District of California wrote that Proposition 8, "fails to advance any rational basis in singling out gay men and lesbians for denial of a marriage license. Indeed, the evidence shows Proposition 8 does nothing more than enshrine in the California Constitution the notion that opposite-sex couples are superior to same-sex couples. … Because Proposition 8 prevents California from fulfilling its constitutional obligation to provide marriages on an equal basis, the court concludes that Proposition 8 is unconstitutional."

Not real sure what Prop 8 is? Check it out here!

Marriage is between only two persons and shall not be restricted on the basis of race, color, national origin, sex, gender, sexual orientation, or religion.

Equality for all, let freedom ring.

St. Louis > Chicago

...well, as far as concert venues and attitudes go.

Ash, Mael' and I went and spent our whole day on Saturday at First Midwest Bank Amphitheater. If you visit that link, you'll see a header that has excited, exuberant fans in a crowd...that must be a stock photo, because their concert venue bites it; no one that would go there would come close to that level of excited. We went to their Warped Tour (I missed STL's and Ash n' Mael' had such a good time in STL that they wanted to go again), which we all agree now, was a silly idea. None of us had good sleep; Ash running on 10 hours collectively between 2 days, Mael' not a lot, and me, 2 hours between 2 days. I think I had the most fun in the car on the way there and back.

Best performance of the day was hands down, Pierce The Veil (to me, anyway).

(This pic is relatively close to what the setup looked like in Chi-town.)



(Be advised: This is a snippet vid and it is terrible quality.)

I follow Alkaline Trio on Twitter (take a hike if you don't like Alkaline Trio) and read that they were signing autographs at 3 PM, so I decided to see why there was a not a massive crowd in line to get autographs from the boys. Apparently they weren't signing until later in the day (when PTV was playing) and it wouldn't even be the whole band...just Dan Andriano. Disappointed. Also, tell me why they always play at the very end of the day? Everyone is tired as fuck around 3-4ish and pretty much always (no matter what venue) has a drive ahead of them...lame. All in all, Warped Tour in Chicago wasn't a complete fail. Pierce The Veil was good and the road trip was fun. I mean, minus your crazy/itchy-dick drivers Chicago, you're still alright with me.

Friday night (Yes, I'm tarentino-ing this update) Nick, Cory, Josh and I went and saw Dinner For Schmucks.

I thought the movie was good-ish. I thought it was going to be funnier than it was, but still worth the money spent to see it. I was surprised though, because Steve Carrell was the funniest character in the movie and ususally Paul Rudd's comedic-sarcasm always wins me over; not to mention, he's sexy as hell.

My days have been catered courtesy of insomnia for the past few days, so I'm off to walk around the house 5,000 times, watch every movie that I have and everything on my TiVo until I fall asleep...for an hour or so. Woah!

Anxiety

More now than ever, (and I'm sure I've mentioned my anxiety in previous posts) my anxiety is becoming worse and worse. What is worse than anything is that it completely effects the people around me. No one wants to be around someone who is always on edge. This is something that I deal with on a daily basis and every time I have a panic attack, I think... "Phew, ok...that's the last one." No, it never is.

This is really hard for me to talk about, because it is something I deal with only with close friends and family. Scarier than anything is that I worry about things real and fake. I create situations in my head, almost delusional. Like, for example, I'm at a party, have a few beers and then make out with a guy in the dark in my room. Even though I know that all we did was make out, I'll panic thinking that we had sex. Crazy right? I'll worry and worry until that "time of the month" comes around. Do you know how hard it is to have your adrenaline pumping for 28 days straight...more than that, do you know how hard it is to pester your friends and family about the same unrealistic issue for 28 days? I can't get any tasks/chores done, I can't meet deadlines, and I'm short and mean with the people that I love. I feel like I'm living in hell.

I worry about having terminal illnesses (but am too scared to go to the doctor to get the validation that I'm fine), I worry when when we go on road trips that we'll die or get mugged, I'm no fun to be around. The list of worries goes on and on.

I know I should probably going and see a psychotherapist, but I'm so afraid that they'll want to put me on medication, or that my problem will be so severe, that they'll want to hospitalize me. I don't want to be a diagnosis. I want to be normal Stephanie Kurtz, the Stephanie that I was in high school; carefree, funny, etc. Do you know how hard it is to start a relationship and then the guy finds out you're nuts? Needless to say, this could be a big reason why I'm still alone.

If any of you have any advice on how to control my anxiety without taking a medical direction, please let me know. Also, if any of you feel how I feel, please let me know. I feel so alone and trapped inside myself; it's the most alienating feeling ever.

Days Go By

ello' followers!

Lots has been going on since the last time I updated here and that's pretty much why I haven't updated in forevs. My sister, Mael' and I went to Chicago for a week at the end of June - July 3rd (much needed vacation) and had a blast. Our friend Kevin (as mentioned in previous entries) just moved there to be a hairstylist, so we went to visit him and do the tourist thing. All of us bought City Passes, which get you into to all kinds of museums and shows. I had such a great time, I wish I was back there. Also, I miss my friend Kevin very much.

(for more sweet Chi-town pics, click here!)

In other news, last weekend Gaga and Modest Mouse were in town (not together, but on the same epic night). Ash and I are so head over heels for both that we didn't buy tickets to either, to be fair to both parties (...ok, or we didn't have money for either). However, to not completely miss out, Ash and I drove downtown to check out the Gaga fashions and everyone dressed up in her honer. There were girls that had big rock candy sticks, boys dressed in only police tape, and definitely lots of gals donning soda cans in their locks. Unfortunately, these creative individualists were barked at by an infamous hate group from this area. However I quickly remembered a tweet that Gaga posted earlier that morning to her followers that made me feel better; it read:

"I would like to make my little monster fans aware of a protest being held outside the Monsterball in St.Louis tonight. Although we have had protesters before, as well as fundamentalists at the show, this group of protesters are hate criminals and preach using lewd and violent language and imagery that I wish I protect you all from. Their message is of hatred and divisiveness, but inside at the Monsterball we preach love and unity. My request to all little monsters and public authorites is to pay these hate criminals no mind. Do not interact with them, or try to fight, Do not respond to any of their provocation. Don't waste your words, or feelings, no matter what you hear or see you are more fortunate and blessed than they are, and in your heart just pray for them. Although I respect and do not judge anyone for their personal views on any politics or religion, this group in particular to me, is violent and dangerous I wanted to make my fans aware of my views on how to approach, or rather not approach, these kinds of hate activists. Be inspired to ignore their ignorant message, and feel gratitude in your heart that you are not burdened or addicted to hate, as they are. X"

At that point, Ash and I both agreed that it was only making us depressed gawking at Gaga-goers and not being able to participate in the show, so we decided to head back to Illinois.

Today Nick became an Uncle! It was a relatively easy birth for Danielle (Nick's sis) and she was smothered in the love of all the relatives and friends present for the arrival of the little angel. I'll update more when the momma posts pics of the local celebrity and Dani gets back on her feet!

Breaking Points

More than usual, I have been completely overcome with stress. I cannot sleep, my whole body hurts, I cry all the time and I constantly worry. I wish that I could extract my need to create a new worry every day. It is so completely debilitating to have an anxiety disorder. I haven't enjoyed life for about 4 years now. I want that feeling back so bad. I want to live a normal life.

In saying that, I did find a brief comfort today while reading my friend Elise's blog. She's a gentle, kind person and reading her entries is like taking a breath of fresh air. In her most recent entry, she talked about how she felt terrible worry and how she was comforted by this verse:

"You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world. John 4:4"

Now, I know that I'm not the most spiritual of folks and I'm not usually someone to advertise my faith, but this made me feel really safe. Even though I'm not out there shouting it from rooftops that I am a christian, I am and this really brought me back to earth and made me feel safe.

I've come to realize that happiness is not something that you can feel all of the time and it's selfish to think that you should constantly feel happy. Happiness is like seeing a shooting star; it's brief, but if you keep your eyes open, you might see a lot of them.

In other news, one of my best friends, Kevin, moved to Chicago at the beginning of June. He's a fresh hair stylist who definitely does not belong in the St. Louis area, so he is pursuing the life he deserves, starting in Chicago. It's been difficult for me (as I explained to Kev), because I feel like when it's hot/cold outside. I'm 50% so happy for him that things are working out in Chicago because that is the start of his dream, however, I'm 50% sad because of my own selfish reasons for wanting him back with us.

We miss you Kev!

It's weird, because all of a sudden it feels like the world is shifting. My friend Tomas is moving to Texas to attend graduate school and study with a really great professor and another one of my friends is moving (can't say whom yet because it has to remain a secret for a few more weeks). Also, with everything that just recently happened to me, that feels like a huge chapter in my life that has closed. I just feel lost - not in a bad way, but in a nervous way. I feel really on my own and I don't know if I'm mature enough yet to deal with all of it.

I am excited for what's to come, but also very cautious. Things are very sunny with a chance of rain right now.

"Restructuring"

The dictionary defines restructuring as:

"A significant modification made to the debt, operations or structure of a company. This type of corporate action is usually made when there are significant problems in a company, which are causing some form of financial harm and putting the overall business in jeopardy. The hope is that through restructuring, a company can eliminate financial harm and improve the business."

Stefoni defines restructuring as:

"scrambling".

On June 3rd I lost my job at Woods. I'm going to Tarantino this for you real quick...

The day was a day unlike any other day. It was frustrating and monotonous. When I clocked in, I got my morning coffee and proceeded to doing my work. A new hire came in mid-day and was getting the general "show you around the office" tour. When the manager doing this didn't stop into my office to introduce the new hire to me, I knew something was kind of fishy. In addition to this being strange, earlier in the week I had asked one of the managers if we had any positions open that my mom could apply for. I explained that my family had fallen on hard times and we had been going to the food pantry because things had been so grim for us. With a tilted frown, she said, "No, not at the moment. All the positions have been filled for the office." I continued on with the day, kind of disappointed because I felt so bad for my mom.

So on June 3rd, I went home for lunch and told my mom I was so frustrated that if "all the positions in the office were filled" then why was there a new hire in the office? She told me to brush it off and to move on, that this type of thing always happened and I shouldn't expect anything different. My feelings were hurt, but she was right. So I traveled back to the office to finish out the day.

Mail call. A nice lady in the Accounting Department always delivered the mail in the afternoon and she brought me a small letter from the American Cancer Society. I tore it open and read:

"Dear Stephanie, Thank you so much for all that you do for Relay...as a team captain and on the [marketing] committee. I cannot thank you enough for all the time and effort you put into the event & the help you give anyone who needs it. You are the best! Thank you again - I appreciate you so much!"

Wow. How caring and considerate was this note, I thought. The letter gave me some pep and my frown started to transform into a smile. About this time, my boss came in. He was popping around town, helping our local chamber get things ready for the Horseradish Festival. We exchanged pleasantrys like we normally did and then he headed back towards the back end of the office to check his email. (His computer had been broke for about a good 3 weeks, so he was using a computer in the back). I needed his input on a video I was editing, so I traveled towards the back to grab him for help. When I found him, he was standing at the copier with our I.T. guy.

Now, you know when you come up on someone and you catch them in the middle of talking about you? Yeah, that's what happened.

They quickly silenced their conversation and my boss answered my question. I headed back to my part of the office, puzzled and nervous. Low and behold, not 10 minutes later, my boss came back to our office. He said, "Hey, come with me upstairs." I said, "Is everything ok?" and he said, "Just come" and motioned for me to follow.

This is never good.

We headed upstairs and I felt my insides twist into knots. The manager looked at me with the same tilted frown I had seen earlier that week. He explained to me that the company was "restructuring" their Marketing Department and that they were going to have to let me go. I thought it was a joke (because my boss would occasionally joke with me like this) and I even said, "Ok, really, what's up?". It wasn't a joke and I was dismissed to pack my desk and leave. I felt warm tears running down my face and feelings of worthlessness taking over my mind.

I felt thrown out, backstabbed, used, and like the past 4 1/2 years I had delivered them nothing less than 110%, didn't mean anything. My heart was completely broken.

I was so numb while I was putting the past 4 1/2 years of my life into a box. To make matters worse, people hid behind doors to avoid having to deal with my feelings. The "friends" persona was no more - the jig was up and only doors could hide this truth. My boss, whom I held close to my heart like a father figure could only watch me fall to pieces. He helped me out the door to load my working career into my car. Tears pouring out of my eyes like someone had turned on a kitchen sink, I gave him probably our last hug ever and told him that he was the most fantastic boss that I had ever had the pleasure to work for. I told him that I hoped that his next employee appreciated him as much as I did. He said the same to me.

Moderately hyperventilating, I drove away.

These past few weeks have been some of the hardest weeks of my life to get through. I'm still so confused, so hurt, so broken. Why didn't they offer me another position in the office? I'm cross trained in almost every department, so why didn't they offer me something? What did I do wrong? How could they do this to me when they know that my family is struggling so hard right now? I thought we were friends. I've never been let go from a job before and I've always been a shining example to employees; why did this happen to me?

So currently, you could say I'm "restructuring" my life and trying to figure out how to survive after the fall out of getting fired. This is one of the hardest, most grim times in my life to date.